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HER LOVE WILL NEVER DIE

Hi, I’m Sam,

I remember back in 2013 when I was being home-schooled, my teacher only taught me 4 hours every day so I had the rest of the day all to myself. I won’t say my life then was boring but at the same time there was no action and it was a big transition going from being in a boarding school where you’re surrounded by fellow students be it seniors, your mates, or juniors to being homeschooled, so I had a lot of adjusting to do.

 


In my teenage (16) year old mind, I had to keep myself busy apart from sleeping and watching television; so I started writing songs. I have this thick-cover notebook in my room where I wrote more than 30 songs. I guess that was my way of filling a void in me; I don’t know if that void was emotional or because a doctor said I had a hole in my heart. So songwriting became my escape, I don’t know how I managed to put lines together between my lonely life and the different medications I was on.

 

On that faithful day, I was watching television downstairs and I had no idea what my mum was looking for me in my bedroom I still don’t know how she managed to stumble on my thick cover songbook and she took it back to her room and of course put on her glasses and went through the whole songs. After going through the whole thing she came downstairs to the sitting room where I was enjoying a comedy movie and she stood there looking at me, maybe wondering how her 16-year-old was smart enough to write such amazing lyrics and finally, she called my attention and when I turned I saw her holding my songbook and immediately I felt ashamed because I felt like she had gone through my mind. And she asked me “Did you write all these” and I answered “Yes” and she told me that they were really good and she showed me the ones she liked most and asked me to sing them for her. She then suggested that I go to the studio and record some of those songs. Although I found the idea of being a recording artist or professional songwriter hilarious I couldn’t pass on the opportunity of keeping myself busy and learning something new along the way. I eventually recorded the songs and I liked them; the songs came out good but my voice was terrible. All these while my siblings have always thought I was the one who got the idea of recording those songs, not knowing there was another mastermind at work. Telling me at this point to let her go or accept her demise is very unacceptable to me and I don’t think anyone is telling me to but whenever I muster the courage to tell anyone the truth about my mum, I always die a little inside. Letting her go doesn’t seem real to me, I keep holding on to the notion she’ll wake up one day and everything will get back to normal. I can’t count how many times I’ve dreamt of her coming back to life and in the dream, it’s not like we forgot she was dead, it appears that yes she was dead but now she’s no longer dead and people keep visiting to see for themselves if she is really alive and I always feel so happy in those dreams that I feel like the pieces of my broken heart are being glued back together. Waking up and realizing that It was just a dream doesn’t make it any easier rather it makes her death feel too real to me. Whoever that comes into my life right now and doesn’t meet my mum, I always have a hard time letting them in because I feel like what’s the point? If Mum could die, then anyone can leave me.

 

Growing up I’ve never thought about who would die first and I shouldn’t be thinking that because if I had thought that then instead of making memories with my entire family I would keep my mind busy by thinking and wondering how I would react if I lost anyone close to me. Of course, if I had grown up thinking and asking myself who would die first, then I wouldn’t miss anyone who would eventually die because one thing that makes grieving more painful and at the same time bearable is the memories made and shared with the deceased, because then your life will start missing a very special and important piece. Whenever someone wants to feel sad for me because of my mum’s death I immediately stop the person and tell the person “I’m lucky and blessed to have had my mum for twenty years” A lot of people only wish for that but I lived it. I am not happy it happened now but can you imagine how heartbreaking it would have been for her to bury me instead? A lot of people grow up without a mother figure in their lives and they turn out Okay but in my case, I had her for two years above legal age, I’m not happy but I’m grateful.

 

So for real, mummy is out of sight but she’s not out of mind. I made a lot of memories with her and I won’t trade those memories for anything and I’ll continue to cherish those memories.


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