Hi, I'm Sam,
I don't announce it every 3 business days but I'm a Homebody. This was something I found particularly hard to accept because I was the liveliest kid in my family and everyone just concluded I was an extrovert. I changed when I was about 15 or 16 and by 18 my sister concluded that I was either depressed or battling with inferiority complex and I thought about it for a few days and immediately accepted that as the logical explanation to what was happening to me. I accepted that logic because I really loved how lively and outgoing I was growing up and I desperately wanted to go back to that, so if I know the problem, maybe I can find a solution and get my old self back.
One of the most annoying things with people pointing out something about you is that when they do, whether they're just being plain mean or critiquing objectively, most times, you're bound to see what they're saying and then the battle within starts. The battle where you try to separate whats true and what isn't, the battle to discard something even when you can see it, the battle to choose what to focus on and what to change and what to completely ignore. How will you know if you made the right selection on what to choose or discard or what to suppress or what to change? No one can really know, I cannot be completely certain of my choices which is the confusing thing with having options, not knowing which is completely wrong and which is manageable wrong.
So if someone comes to me to tell me why I'm an introvert or why I'm an extrovert or why I'm both, I might see their points but which do I focus on? But I am not just one thing, my identity is eclectic so I'd prefer to acknowledge the fact that because I chose one thing yesterday doesn't mean that I cannot change my mind today or even tomorrow.
Sometimes when people insists on including me in things when I clearly do not want to partake, I'm torn between doing what I feel like and what people expect me to do because of how much they go above and beyond to include me. When I do my best to do exactly what I feel like doing, it then feels as though I am going out of my way to prove that I'm a homebody or simply not appreciative of the fact that someone wants to include me in anything. Granted after the kicking and screaming, I end up having fun in whatever activity I was dragged to but it still somehow doesn't negate the feeling that I actually didn't do what I want do and it feels like I disappointed myself. In this case, does the end justify the means? Because I end up having fun, does that mean that somehow my mind was playing tricks on me that I didn't want to be included in the activity in the first place which has in more situations than I would like to admit has made me doubt some of my decisions, so I often let people make those decisions for me.
In the middle of some of those activities, I've caught myself asking some questions and trying to remember what my bedsheets fabric feels and smells like. I ask myself, was this event really worth it? Will they share food? Am I faking my niceness to everyone who has come to say hi? And I've answered myself a lot of times that I'm not here to socialize but to fulfill an "obligation" which is even worse than anything. I constantly try to find a way to rationalize it and for now, this is how best I can do that.
Its a good thing this is the first post for this year and this is not a New year New me thing, I'm still me but as everyone can accept, change is the only constant thing in our lives and if I decide to be scared of change, then I'm going to be scared every day of my life and that is not a smart way to live. Everyday that we open our eyes to a new day is opening yourself to a new page to write on and living fully and freely is the surest way to make sure you write a full page.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
One of the most annoying things with people pointing out something about you is that when they do, whether they're just being plain mean or critiquing objectively, most times, you're bound to see what they're saying and then the battle within starts. The battle where you try to separate whats true and what isn't, the battle to discard something even when you can see it, the battle to choose what to focus on and what to change and what to completely ignore. How will you know if you made the right selection on what to choose or discard or what to suppress or what to change? No one can really know, I cannot be completely certain of my choices which is the confusing thing with having options, not knowing which is completely wrong and which is manageable wrong.
So if someone comes to me to tell me why I'm an introvert or why I'm an extrovert or why I'm both, I might see their points but which do I focus on? But I am not just one thing, my identity is eclectic so I'd prefer to acknowledge the fact that because I chose one thing yesterday doesn't mean that I cannot change my mind today or even tomorrow.
Sometimes when people insists on including me in things when I clearly do not want to partake, I'm torn between doing what I feel like and what people expect me to do because of how much they go above and beyond to include me. When I do my best to do exactly what I feel like doing, it then feels as though I am going out of my way to prove that I'm a homebody or simply not appreciative of the fact that someone wants to include me in anything. Granted after the kicking and screaming, I end up having fun in whatever activity I was dragged to but it still somehow doesn't negate the feeling that I actually didn't do what I want do and it feels like I disappointed myself. In this case, does the end justify the means? Because I end up having fun, does that mean that somehow my mind was playing tricks on me that I didn't want to be included in the activity in the first place which has in more situations than I would like to admit has made me doubt some of my decisions, so I often let people make those decisions for me.
In the middle of some of those activities, I've caught myself asking some questions and trying to remember what my bedsheets fabric feels and smells like. I ask myself, was this event really worth it? Will they share food? Am I faking my niceness to everyone who has come to say hi? And I've answered myself a lot of times that I'm not here to socialize but to fulfill an "obligation" which is even worse than anything. I constantly try to find a way to rationalize it and for now, this is how best I can do that.
Its a good thing this is the first post for this year and this is not a New year New me thing, I'm still me but as everyone can accept, change is the only constant thing in our lives and if I decide to be scared of change, then I'm going to be scared every day of my life and that is not a smart way to live. Everyday that we open our eyes to a new day is opening yourself to a new page to write on and living fully and freely is the surest way to make sure you write a full page.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
