Hi, I'm Sam,
The wonderful thing about connection is that its not premeditated, you don't plan out how to get connected to someone. You can play by your rules and do things a certain way to create connections with someone and the truth is that if the connection is there, you'll know and when it's not there, there's absolutely nothing you can do to get it. Another thing can be that you're looking for the connection from the wrong angle. Its ok to have the desire to connect with someone from one angle, but when that angle doesn't work, you can either try another angle or let it go completely.
Before I was chosen, someone looked at me and assessed me based on a list of requirements or was fascinated by what made me unique. Something that wasn't easily identified in someone else as it is identified in me made me stand out and something that otherwise made someone else unattractive, made me attractive in a way I probably wouldn't be able to know because I will not be able to completely see myself from the perspective of the person who chose me. The ick maybe something you had no chance of tolerating from someone else but you find yourself enduring and ultimately celebrating in another person. I didn't have any idea what metrics I was being assessed on but I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was chosen either way. Would the knowledge of the metrics have given me an edge? I don't think so, if anything, it would've made me less authentic because I will subconsciously or consciously try to curate myself to fit into those metrics.
I become nervous when I start to crave for a connection especially when the connection is one I know deep down is right for me. My heart starts to beat out of my chest because that is a connection I would rather have end badly than not to have in the first place. A connection where I am understood even before I get the chance to explain what I mean, a connection that I don't feel shy to admit things and finally say things I deeply desire because I know the words won't just fall carelessly but my words would be heard and deeply felt even more than I would've tried to explain using the best words. Just like anyone else, I desire to express myself in the most sincere way possible and the freeing feeling feels so good and to top it all knowing that my sincere expressions are adored and appreciated. My sincere expression has an endearing ripple effect on the people around me and dare I say craved by people around me. The craving has the ability to make me neglect rational reactions and sometimes, I need to forget about the rational things because that is one of the catalyst to propel the connection to the desired heights
When the connection is right, you're not scared, you don't feel like you're walking on thin ice, you simply just exist. You exist happily because you know you do not have to perform any theatrics to keep the connection going, It doesn't mean you're going to act nonchalant, but you're not going to break your back to prove anything. Your mere existence and authenticity fans the flame and keeps the fire burning. The little insignificant things you do are celebrated like a battle hero coming back from war and you ponder within yourself, and ask yourself, "Is this really how easy it is to connect with the right person?", "Is this even real?" Surely you must be dreaming, but alas, you're not, you're simply basking in the euphoria of being your authentic self and you're seen and accepted for it.
As intense as the feeling of being chosen can be, it can as well be fleeting when the person choosing you isn't really for you but someone playing a part to feed the thrill or simply to make you feel good not matter how little the period might be. Some may consider the feigning cruel, because why expose me to an energy you have not intention to maintain, or you do have the intension to maintain it but the fire was put out because it wasn't your fire to light let alone fan to burn brightly and long. And in that moment you realize something remarkable, you realize your emotional capabilities, that you have love, to give and receive, that you can have intense desires, you can reciprocate feelings and bask in genuine connection no matter how long or short the period might be. You realize that you don't need to turn off your light when a connection ends but change who receives your light even in hurt.
Long story short, I loved to be chosen!
Before I was chosen, someone looked at me and assessed me based on a list of requirements or was fascinated by what made me unique. Something that wasn't easily identified in someone else as it is identified in me made me stand out and something that otherwise made someone else unattractive, made me attractive in a way I probably wouldn't be able to know because I will not be able to completely see myself from the perspective of the person who chose me. The ick maybe something you had no chance of tolerating from someone else but you find yourself enduring and ultimately celebrating in another person. I didn't have any idea what metrics I was being assessed on but I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was chosen either way. Would the knowledge of the metrics have given me an edge? I don't think so, if anything, it would've made me less authentic because I will subconsciously or consciously try to curate myself to fit into those metrics.
I become nervous when I start to crave for a connection especially when the connection is one I know deep down is right for me. My heart starts to beat out of my chest because that is a connection I would rather have end badly than not to have in the first place. A connection where I am understood even before I get the chance to explain what I mean, a connection that I don't feel shy to admit things and finally say things I deeply desire because I know the words won't just fall carelessly but my words would be heard and deeply felt even more than I would've tried to explain using the best words. Just like anyone else, I desire to express myself in the most sincere way possible and the freeing feeling feels so good and to top it all knowing that my sincere expressions are adored and appreciated. My sincere expression has an endearing ripple effect on the people around me and dare I say craved by people around me. The craving has the ability to make me neglect rational reactions and sometimes, I need to forget about the rational things because that is one of the catalyst to propel the connection to the desired heights
When the connection is right, you're not scared, you don't feel like you're walking on thin ice, you simply just exist. You exist happily because you know you do not have to perform any theatrics to keep the connection going, It doesn't mean you're going to act nonchalant, but you're not going to break your back to prove anything. Your mere existence and authenticity fans the flame and keeps the fire burning. The little insignificant things you do are celebrated like a battle hero coming back from war and you ponder within yourself, and ask yourself, "Is this really how easy it is to connect with the right person?", "Is this even real?" Surely you must be dreaming, but alas, you're not, you're simply basking in the euphoria of being your authentic self and you're seen and accepted for it.
As intense as the feeling of being chosen can be, it can as well be fleeting when the person choosing you isn't really for you but someone playing a part to feed the thrill or simply to make you feel good not matter how little the period might be. Some may consider the feigning cruel, because why expose me to an energy you have not intention to maintain, or you do have the intension to maintain it but the fire was put out because it wasn't your fire to light let alone fan to burn brightly and long. And in that moment you realize something remarkable, you realize your emotional capabilities, that you have love, to give and receive, that you can have intense desires, you can reciprocate feelings and bask in genuine connection no matter how long or short the period might be. You realize that you don't need to turn off your light when a connection ends but change who receives your light even in hurt.
Long story short, I loved to be chosen!
