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CENTER OF ATTENTION

 Hi, I’m Sam,

 

One of the things in my life I have to get better at is taking compliments and trying not to panic whenever someone puts me on the spot. It's not like I would fumble or embarrass myself if that happens, I simply do not like it and it makes me uncomfortable and I cannot say why. As much as I want to be prepared to speak or do anything, I've also realized of late that I still talk and act on the spot; if I rehearse what to say or do, I end up doing what I feel or think in the moment of action and most times it comes out better than what I rehearsed or the same but never worse.

 


I've thought long and hard as to why I don't appreciate being the center of attention even though I'm someone who loves to ask questions and to be heard whenever I speak. I don't feel comfortable receiving multiple compliments at the same time or simultaneously, I don't like when a group of people ask for my opinion and I also believe that is one of the major reasons why I hardly partake in group hangouts. Whenever I go for group hangouts, I find just one person to relate with throughout that hangout and it makes people form wrong opinions about me, most people just don't believe that I don't know how to function in a group hangout, they just assume its pride.

 

When I'm put on the spot to do or say something, I get scared that this is the opportunity for people to really assess me, and maybe not in a kind way. Being an intelligent person is one of the major compliments I get from random people and people who know me well. So I'm always in my head that maybe those people are not being honest and if I'm put on the spot impromptu, I might get them to downgrade me and ultimately change their opinion of me. As someone who has never had an interest in what people had to say about any aspect of me, I find it troubling that I feel this way and as much as I want to deal with it, I'm giving myself the grace to learn something from this period of my life. At some point in my life, I thought it was stage fright but I don't think it is.

 

It has become a major feeling I've been having lately and I decided to think more about or try my possible best to be ok with it and even appreciate it sometimes, so I try to have at the back of my mind simple genuine responses I can give when someone out of the blues compliments me or points out something spectacular about me. Having and giving that genuine response lets the other person know that I heard them, I accept what they said and I believe them while hoping the person was being genuine with their compliment and not just trying to make things less awkward or trying to fill a quiet moment.

 

You would think this would be something that will make me a perfectionist but on the contrary, I don't fuss if things don't go as they should. I love to plan things to the last detail and even develop alternative plans in case something goes wrong but I'm not a stickler for every detail to go as planned, I'm very open to twists and turns. For the past few years, I've been growing into an era of intense self-awareness that is letting me accept some things and never tolerate some things. There are things about me I cannot change, so I've accepted them and there are things about me that I can change and I'm working towards changing them not for anyone but for myself and being a better individual.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm too hard on people younger than me, especially since I probably messed up like them as well. I realized the other day that all my very close and genuine friends are older than I am and that I find it difficult to develop or nurture friendships with younger people. I have tried but it just doesn't work, I'm scared that what if I'm not a good person to them, does that mean I've ruined their perception of other people? Most times I feel empty which is why I feel like there is nothing for me to contribute to their lives, I'm still figuring out my life so how will I be able to know what to say to them or do for them that will help them not make certain mistakes and or make the right choices. I feel that I cannot give them room to make their own decisions and as such I would come off as controlling and in some cases manipulative. So the best thing I can do for them is let them be and not encourage any form of friendship with anyone younger.

 

The feeling is strong and confusing most times, I don't want to be ignored but I don't want to be put on the spot and asked anything, I want my opinion to be heard but not scrutinized. Ultimately I wish to be invisible whenever I want and be seen whenever I want. 



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