Hi, I'm Sam,
A lot of people I've come across often quote "Curiosity killed the Cat" for the tiniest excuse to get out of answering a personal question or any question at all they'd rather not answer. I always respond "but I am not a cat" and they always laugh but I will still push to get an answer to my question. Is that me prying ? I don't know but I still wanna know. I don't want to know because I want to tell the next available ear or use the information to keep my seat at the table of those who "know" things about people. I want to know because I want to learn from your experience, I want to conduct myself and act appropriately around you. I will want to know as little as possible if you're a stranger to me and my curse for as far back as I can remember is that people find my easily trustworthy. I love it because it makes people very comfortable around me which makes me comfortable but I hate it because it makes people share a lot of things with me to the extent I had to learn to suppress memories. People think I keep their secrets because I don't tell anyone but I'm good at keeping secrets because I genuinely do not remember and even when I remember, I still won't tell. I remember enough to know how to act and what to say but not enough to repeat it comprehensively to another person.
In addition to fear of failure, another fear I battle with everyday is the fear of people finding me exhausting which is one of the top 3 reasons why I try not to be sociable and I pray for the courage to bear it when people find the courage to tell me when they find me exhausting. Its one thing for people to find me exhausting and not tell me and another, to find me exhausting and find the worst ways to let me know. This is why I find communication very important whether in platonic friendships or romantic relationships or even in the family, find the best ways to communicate to people and people will get comfortable around you. Something I might be hiding or suppressing may be the one thing a friend needs to see to come out of their shell and be their best selves. People are either for you or they are not, what you may find annoying in someone may be what you end up missing the most when they're no longer around you.
I wake up some mornings and I crave for a particular thing, like a career path, a way of doing something or a particular way to act. I rave all about it to anyone close to me that will give me the tiniest bit of attention and when I get it, I wave it good bye and onto the next. A lot of time I say it's because I'm good at so many things but lately I've realized its because I'm so scared of being known for one or few things and not being very good at them, so let me hide under the jack of all trade but master of none category. I wouldn't say I get bored easily, there are things I've stuck to for years and there are things I desperately desire for and when I remotely begin working towards them, the interest dies so quickly even before I realize it. Its not so much of a good thing because I doubt if I'll ever become a poster person for consistency if I continue down that road. The shocking thing is that it doesn't even need to get hard before I disappear. I feel accomplished in that area when I have developed a clear strategy on how to get that done. I whisper to myself, if you follow this plan, do XYZ then definitely you're going to get this and immediately I get the satisfaction I would've gotten if I had actually gone through with the plan and achieved that. The ability to crave and desire multiple things actually gave me the knowledge and helped me discover the strength in choices. If I can change my mind about what to do, then I can change the ways to do certain things, so maybe I don't need to do multiple things but find multiple great ways to do the few things I love. After I realized this, I unknowingly lost the fear I had about being mediocre in things I love and derive Joy from.
I guess I'm only able to cross bridges when I get to them if I have already prepared for it; the second part of the earlier quote is "... but satisfaction brought it back" it is not a terrible thing to crave for so many things, the wisdom comes in the application. Just because an inspiration comes to you now doesn't mean you should do it now. There is satisfaction in taking risks and trying out new things. To live is to crave fully, to see the ordinary with new eyes and from a new angle, to reach beyond what is comfortable, and to embrace the adventure of living vivaciously and your heart will always whisper to you, dare to wonder.
In addition to fear of failure, another fear I battle with everyday is the fear of people finding me exhausting which is one of the top 3 reasons why I try not to be sociable and I pray for the courage to bear it when people find the courage to tell me when they find me exhausting. Its one thing for people to find me exhausting and not tell me and another, to find me exhausting and find the worst ways to let me know. This is why I find communication very important whether in platonic friendships or romantic relationships or even in the family, find the best ways to communicate to people and people will get comfortable around you. Something I might be hiding or suppressing may be the one thing a friend needs to see to come out of their shell and be their best selves. People are either for you or they are not, what you may find annoying in someone may be what you end up missing the most when they're no longer around you.
I wake up some mornings and I crave for a particular thing, like a career path, a way of doing something or a particular way to act. I rave all about it to anyone close to me that will give me the tiniest bit of attention and when I get it, I wave it good bye and onto the next. A lot of time I say it's because I'm good at so many things but lately I've realized its because I'm so scared of being known for one or few things and not being very good at them, so let me hide under the jack of all trade but master of none category. I wouldn't say I get bored easily, there are things I've stuck to for years and there are things I desperately desire for and when I remotely begin working towards them, the interest dies so quickly even before I realize it. Its not so much of a good thing because I doubt if I'll ever become a poster person for consistency if I continue down that road. The shocking thing is that it doesn't even need to get hard before I disappear. I feel accomplished in that area when I have developed a clear strategy on how to get that done. I whisper to myself, if you follow this plan, do XYZ then definitely you're going to get this and immediately I get the satisfaction I would've gotten if I had actually gone through with the plan and achieved that. The ability to crave and desire multiple things actually gave me the knowledge and helped me discover the strength in choices. If I can change my mind about what to do, then I can change the ways to do certain things, so maybe I don't need to do multiple things but find multiple great ways to do the few things I love. After I realized this, I unknowingly lost the fear I had about being mediocre in things I love and derive Joy from.
I guess I'm only able to cross bridges when I get to them if I have already prepared for it; the second part of the earlier quote is "... but satisfaction brought it back" it is not a terrible thing to crave for so many things, the wisdom comes in the application. Just because an inspiration comes to you now doesn't mean you should do it now. There is satisfaction in taking risks and trying out new things. To live is to crave fully, to see the ordinary with new eyes and from a new angle, to reach beyond what is comfortable, and to embrace the adventure of living vivaciously and your heart will always whisper to you, dare to wonder.