Hi, I'm Sam,
I have to constantly try my best to remind myself to respond physically to how I feel emotionally, especially in happy occasions because whenever I want something or I'm working toward something, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I should feel in response to achieving that thing that when I finally achieve that feat, I don't react like I've practiced in my head or how a normal person would react if they were in my position. I think I can say that the desire, anticipation, and hardwork to get that particular thing makes me too exhausted to celebrate or react to the achievement as expected.
I spent 5 months working toward something and it finally happened and as much as I was excited, grateful and ready to share my testimony, I somehow couldn't get myself, my voice and laughter to match what was happening and how I was really feeling deep down. I came off to myself like nothing had happened or that it didn't happen the way I thought it would and I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop when the first shoe was no where in sight let alone dropping. I didn't think anything negative was going to follow suit when I was trying my best to bask in my good news but it seemed like my body was ahead of me and was trying to prepare me for the shock and yes, something unplanned eventually happened but I felt like I was physically prepared to absorb the situation but that didn't make it sting any less. I was upset, confused and irritated but it somehow didn't feel like a surprise. I wasn't in any way expecting anything negative but for some reason I felt prepared facing the shock.
I was intentional towards processing my feelings and trying as well not to physically look like what I was feeling inside. The whole thing flipped, when I was very happy inside, it didn't show in the physical with my actions and demeanor and when I was feeling upset, confused and irritated inside, it also didn't show on the outside. I had to think about the times I've had to deal with unpalatable situations, I felt the need to process many emotions and play so many scenarios in my head before acting out or saying a word and doing it fast enough to not show that there was a break in transmission. One thing I kept saying to myself was "I rejoiced too soon" but I check myself immediately because I didn't really do anything that indicated that I was rejoicing except telling my close people the latest. But I never intentionally connected rejoicing too soon to being the reason something negative occurred. What was going to happened would've still happened irrespective of how I responded to the situation. I could've shouted from the rooftop and nothing negative would've still happened and I would've acted as though nothing special happened and everything that was meant to happened would've happened.
I never liked the way it felt but I was happy with the way I handled it when things went south because I felt like I've gotten to a point where I can anticipate how I feel towards a situation, that is not to say that whenever I do not feel bubbly that something negative was going to happen, it's just that the anticipation made the blow not hit so hard and I was able to absorb what came and was able to think and resolve it as fast as I could without losing faith and having emotions cloud my jusgement and make me behave in a way that will make me cringe in retrospect.
No one loves to feel powerless, and unfortunately that is mostly how we feel when something unplanned happens. It feels worse when you're someone who is able to be in control of so many things in various aspects of your life but that one area that you just can't get a hold of, the feeling no matter how familiar will still feel very strange and very uncomfortable. The thought that anything that would happen will happen has never made me prepare less or not have plans about anything. I love to be in control and I also love to have alternative plans, which is the main reason why I come prepared with plans A, B and C and that is one way that I can keep going without freaking out and overthinking.
"Life is lived forward but understood backwards"
I spent 5 months working toward something and it finally happened and as much as I was excited, grateful and ready to share my testimony, I somehow couldn't get myself, my voice and laughter to match what was happening and how I was really feeling deep down. I came off to myself like nothing had happened or that it didn't happen the way I thought it would and I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop when the first shoe was no where in sight let alone dropping. I didn't think anything negative was going to follow suit when I was trying my best to bask in my good news but it seemed like my body was ahead of me and was trying to prepare me for the shock and yes, something unplanned eventually happened but I felt like I was physically prepared to absorb the situation but that didn't make it sting any less. I was upset, confused and irritated but it somehow didn't feel like a surprise. I wasn't in any way expecting anything negative but for some reason I felt prepared facing the shock.
I was intentional towards processing my feelings and trying as well not to physically look like what I was feeling inside. The whole thing flipped, when I was very happy inside, it didn't show in the physical with my actions and demeanor and when I was feeling upset, confused and irritated inside, it also didn't show on the outside. I had to think about the times I've had to deal with unpalatable situations, I felt the need to process many emotions and play so many scenarios in my head before acting out or saying a word and doing it fast enough to not show that there was a break in transmission. One thing I kept saying to myself was "I rejoiced too soon" but I check myself immediately because I didn't really do anything that indicated that I was rejoicing except telling my close people the latest. But I never intentionally connected rejoicing too soon to being the reason something negative occurred. What was going to happened would've still happened irrespective of how I responded to the situation. I could've shouted from the rooftop and nothing negative would've still happened and I would've acted as though nothing special happened and everything that was meant to happened would've happened.
I never liked the way it felt but I was happy with the way I handled it when things went south because I felt like I've gotten to a point where I can anticipate how I feel towards a situation, that is not to say that whenever I do not feel bubbly that something negative was going to happen, it's just that the anticipation made the blow not hit so hard and I was able to absorb what came and was able to think and resolve it as fast as I could without losing faith and having emotions cloud my jusgement and make me behave in a way that will make me cringe in retrospect.
No one loves to feel powerless, and unfortunately that is mostly how we feel when something unplanned happens. It feels worse when you're someone who is able to be in control of so many things in various aspects of your life but that one area that you just can't get a hold of, the feeling no matter how familiar will still feel very strange and very uncomfortable. The thought that anything that would happen will happen has never made me prepare less or not have plans about anything. I love to be in control and I also love to have alternative plans, which is the main reason why I come prepared with plans A, B and C and that is one way that I can keep going without freaking out and overthinking.
"Life is lived forward but understood backwards"
