Hi, I'm Sam,
I took a step back and it was completely unintentional and the realization was as a result of a simple statement "So you've started lying to me sha...." the statement hit me but not necessarily in a bad way, if anything, it made me realize how simple yet weighty my regular actions can be even when I don't realize it. I will always strive for and encourage authenticity and I am very proud to say that being truthful is a major part of my authentic living and honestly it wasn't something I planned to do. I just focused on living authentically and it happened that being truthful is part of my authentic self. Its very possible to not put so much thought to how much our words mean to our everyday people, it doesn't translate to not putting value to those people, it can mean that you're comfortable around then, your walls are down, you really don't see the point in being calculating around them and you have the full length freedom to be yourself and still be adored.
I felt guilty for days for a lie I didn't realize I told although I chose to think that what I said got lost in communication, torn between living like I should work hard to make ammends and living freely. I kept feeling like if I let the guilt go I will make the same mistake again. I needed to confirm my greetings, use the right emojis and try as much as possible to convey a message no matter how simple guilt-free. I was ok feeling the guilt but I didn't want it to be noticed in the slightest. Maybe if the guilt was noticed, it will further support my case of not lying intentionally but I was too scared the guilt might mean something else or be simply misunderstood. I don't think I can tolerate living a life that is always met with cynicism and this has absolutely nothing to do with being liked by everyone, I dropped that a long time ago. I'm never going to be caught saying this, but I want my word to be my bond.
One terrible thing that happens to me when I feel guilt is that I begin to question my motive and friendships, I begin to wonder if all the advice I gave was what was needed or what I wanted to fit into narrative of a supportive friend. I know deep down that my intentions are pure but it that does not mean that I don't second guess myself sometimes; the second guessing if anything helps me to analyze and focus on what really matter. Its like having a conscience, something that constantly reminds you when you're coloring outside the lines and helps to keep you in check. With the deep guilt comes the risk of letting the guilt affect the connections I've been building for years, if I don't handle the guilt the right way, I stand the risk of making the situation worse and having a terrible experience building the friendship up to the point where I took to the tumble. I find it difficult to build new connections and friendships and because of that I tend to be very protective of the friends and connections I already have. I don't protect it because I feel like I have invested to much time and effort into it but because the friendships are positive, mutually beneficial, and exactly what I need to keep living.
Ultimately I know my connections with my friends are genuine but I dread going through the guilt phase just because I made a simple but weighty slip up. I know that I'm in no way perfect but I dislike corrections from people close to me, not because I do not want to take corrections or I want to be permitted to keep misbehaving but because I have this misguided feeling that correction means the person has been tolerating me and couldn't say anything until the moment they eventually do. So I spiral and start wondering how long they've kept quiet about this particular thing until they felt like they couldn't take it anymore and let it out. My defense mode in that moment is to take flight and give space, because why would I want to be around someone I've subjected into tolerating me for a while before they had to say something about it.
In a period where it is really easy to lose your personality while trying to create bonds or maintain bonds with people you cherish so much, I'm so happy that hasn't been my case. The only thing I've seen happen is my self-motivation in addition to the external motivation I get every single day trying to be a better person for myself, the people around me and the society at large. It is possible to lose yourself while trying to find yourself, people may be oblivious to the battle you fight within trying to pick and chose what traits are yours and what trait that are yours that needs to be dropped and what traits you need to pick up. The journey to self discovery can be daunting on its on and even worse when you embark on it with less support. You have to constantly doubt and motivate yourself. It is one thing to learn to act right and its another to practice it. When you practice on the wrong people, it can be both devastating and demoralizing because you're not certain of what feedback you're going to get and how honest those feedbacks those may be and feedbacks and reciprocation are very vital for our self discovery.
I felt guilty for days for a lie I didn't realize I told although I chose to think that what I said got lost in communication, torn between living like I should work hard to make ammends and living freely. I kept feeling like if I let the guilt go I will make the same mistake again. I needed to confirm my greetings, use the right emojis and try as much as possible to convey a message no matter how simple guilt-free. I was ok feeling the guilt but I didn't want it to be noticed in the slightest. Maybe if the guilt was noticed, it will further support my case of not lying intentionally but I was too scared the guilt might mean something else or be simply misunderstood. I don't think I can tolerate living a life that is always met with cynicism and this has absolutely nothing to do with being liked by everyone, I dropped that a long time ago. I'm never going to be caught saying this, but I want my word to be my bond.
One terrible thing that happens to me when I feel guilt is that I begin to question my motive and friendships, I begin to wonder if all the advice I gave was what was needed or what I wanted to fit into narrative of a supportive friend. I know deep down that my intentions are pure but it that does not mean that I don't second guess myself sometimes; the second guessing if anything helps me to analyze and focus on what really matter. Its like having a conscience, something that constantly reminds you when you're coloring outside the lines and helps to keep you in check. With the deep guilt comes the risk of letting the guilt affect the connections I've been building for years, if I don't handle the guilt the right way, I stand the risk of making the situation worse and having a terrible experience building the friendship up to the point where I took to the tumble. I find it difficult to build new connections and friendships and because of that I tend to be very protective of the friends and connections I already have. I don't protect it because I feel like I have invested to much time and effort into it but because the friendships are positive, mutually beneficial, and exactly what I need to keep living.
Ultimately I know my connections with my friends are genuine but I dread going through the guilt phase just because I made a simple but weighty slip up. I know that I'm in no way perfect but I dislike corrections from people close to me, not because I do not want to take corrections or I want to be permitted to keep misbehaving but because I have this misguided feeling that correction means the person has been tolerating me and couldn't say anything until the moment they eventually do. So I spiral and start wondering how long they've kept quiet about this particular thing until they felt like they couldn't take it anymore and let it out. My defense mode in that moment is to take flight and give space, because why would I want to be around someone I've subjected into tolerating me for a while before they had to say something about it.
In a period where it is really easy to lose your personality while trying to create bonds or maintain bonds with people you cherish so much, I'm so happy that hasn't been my case. The only thing I've seen happen is my self-motivation in addition to the external motivation I get every single day trying to be a better person for myself, the people around me and the society at large. It is possible to lose yourself while trying to find yourself, people may be oblivious to the battle you fight within trying to pick and chose what traits are yours and what trait that are yours that needs to be dropped and what traits you need to pick up. The journey to self discovery can be daunting on its on and even worse when you embark on it with less support. You have to constantly doubt and motivate yourself. It is one thing to learn to act right and its another to practice it. When you practice on the wrong people, it can be both devastating and demoralizing because you're not certain of what feedback you're going to get and how honest those feedbacks those may be and feedbacks and reciprocation are very vital for our self discovery.
If I have to live the rest of my life with the family and friends I have now, which is actually the plan, I will be one of the happiest persons in the world but I know that won't happen, I've not met everyone that will fill every chapter of my life's story but one thing I genuinely hope for is that the ones present at this moment, will continue to appear in every chapter while some people come and go and some come to stay.
