Hi, I'm Sam,
Isn't it ironic for someone who dreads the end of things, I love beginnings?, I have this unexplainable excitement for the beginning of things, like I have a clean slate and unhindered imaginations to write or draw as I wish. I feel like the principle of lines does not apply to my painting on this slate and my excitement cannot be contained in any way because somehow everything seems fair and everyone is automatically on the same playing level, but in reality that's not it, however, intrinsically, these feelings give me the right amount of push and encouragement to take on new beginnings, with nerves but not fear, with hope and expressive imagination.
I love Mondays, I've never been one to whine or complain about Mondays even when I had a not-so-great job, I still found a way to get ready every Monday morning with this excitement that I usually lack words to explain. The way I see it is that, if the previous week was bad, the next Monday is another opportunity to have a better day or week and if the previous week was good, the next Monday is my chance to have a good or even better week to keep things going, so the excitement is always there on Mondays. I can't explain how I feel today though, its a Monday and I can't find those feelings of excitement anywhere and believe me, I looked for it. I have never expected the feelings to not be there on a Monday and I know some days are like that but not my favorite Monday, my Monday excitement and hope is what keeps me going, helps me not only realize what needs to be done but doing it.
Today started off overwhelming but declined right down to underwhelming without enough warning, expectation or preparation. I told myself the things I needed to do but I found myself doing other things and somehow couldn't realign myself, I kept on going. I had books to read but I was on Netflix and when I got tired of Netflix I decided a nap would be the next best thing to do. I've given myself all the pep talk I can, but it seems my body just wants to relax, it just wants to take a break from the pressures I put on it emotionally. I want to encourage myself and tell myself that some days are like this and that I will bounce back but the feeling of completing all my tasks and checking things off my to-do lists last week only made me feel amped for this week to keep the streak going but it looks like my body has other plans. As much as I want to be sad at the plans my body has for me this week, I know deep down I need it. I'm someone who rests to work instead of resting from working and I can't switch up on my body like this and expect it to act accordingly.
I tried my best to put the emotions into words and words did fail me and my friends tried to understand what I meant but I didn't quite feel understood because deep down I was certain I didn't do a good job using the right words to explain exactly how I felt and that made me feel irritated a little bit but they said I should not feel guilty for taking a break, it was a sign my body was giving me to rest even though this isn't the time to rest, there's a bunch of things to do, looking at me sipping chamomile tea. As a creature of habit, I was also scared that if I allowed myself to enjoy the "break" my body just decided to take, i will eventually find myself sliding down a slope that I will have a hard time stopping myself and turning back to the track I was on, so I made sure I wasn't very comfortable while getting the rest I needed, I made sure not to enjoy it while making myself comfortable clicking the "next episode" button on my screen.
I hate feeling powerless to my emotions, even with clear knowledge of what to do and how to act, my emotions are just too strong and I can't fight myself out it, I just have to yield to the emotions and hope it doesn't tie me down so long that I will have to explain myself and action to someone other than myself. The situation of having to explain myself to myself is much better than having to explain myself to someone else because I know for a fact, words will fail me and no matter how much time I take to pick my words like I'm picking iron beans, I will still say what I do not want to say, use the wrong words to describe my emotions and actions because I have an image in my head that I've convinced myself that is the way the other person sees me. I resort to words and phrases like "I'm fine", "I don't want to talk about it" or "You won't understand".
Its beginning to feel so real that "Love isn't always enough", I'm beginning to think that love may be shy because it always wants to be accompanied by something else and it's not always one thing. My love for Mondays couldn't do much to snap me out of the way I was feeling, to nudge me towards my usual Monday vibes. I had to marinate in the feelings in the most healthy way I could think and be in the moment and step out of the feeling when it was done.
I love Mondays, I've never been one to whine or complain about Mondays even when I had a not-so-great job, I still found a way to get ready every Monday morning with this excitement that I usually lack words to explain. The way I see it is that, if the previous week was bad, the next Monday is another opportunity to have a better day or week and if the previous week was good, the next Monday is my chance to have a good or even better week to keep things going, so the excitement is always there on Mondays. I can't explain how I feel today though, its a Monday and I can't find those feelings of excitement anywhere and believe me, I looked for it. I have never expected the feelings to not be there on a Monday and I know some days are like that but not my favorite Monday, my Monday excitement and hope is what keeps me going, helps me not only realize what needs to be done but doing it.
Today started off overwhelming but declined right down to underwhelming without enough warning, expectation or preparation. I told myself the things I needed to do but I found myself doing other things and somehow couldn't realign myself, I kept on going. I had books to read but I was on Netflix and when I got tired of Netflix I decided a nap would be the next best thing to do. I've given myself all the pep talk I can, but it seems my body just wants to relax, it just wants to take a break from the pressures I put on it emotionally. I want to encourage myself and tell myself that some days are like this and that I will bounce back but the feeling of completing all my tasks and checking things off my to-do lists last week only made me feel amped for this week to keep the streak going but it looks like my body has other plans. As much as I want to be sad at the plans my body has for me this week, I know deep down I need it. I'm someone who rests to work instead of resting from working and I can't switch up on my body like this and expect it to act accordingly.
I tried my best to put the emotions into words and words did fail me and my friends tried to understand what I meant but I didn't quite feel understood because deep down I was certain I didn't do a good job using the right words to explain exactly how I felt and that made me feel irritated a little bit but they said I should not feel guilty for taking a break, it was a sign my body was giving me to rest even though this isn't the time to rest, there's a bunch of things to do, looking at me sipping chamomile tea. As a creature of habit, I was also scared that if I allowed myself to enjoy the "break" my body just decided to take, i will eventually find myself sliding down a slope that I will have a hard time stopping myself and turning back to the track I was on, so I made sure I wasn't very comfortable while getting the rest I needed, I made sure not to enjoy it while making myself comfortable clicking the "next episode" button on my screen.
I hate feeling powerless to my emotions, even with clear knowledge of what to do and how to act, my emotions are just too strong and I can't fight myself out it, I just have to yield to the emotions and hope it doesn't tie me down so long that I will have to explain myself and action to someone other than myself. The situation of having to explain myself to myself is much better than having to explain myself to someone else because I know for a fact, words will fail me and no matter how much time I take to pick my words like I'm picking iron beans, I will still say what I do not want to say, use the wrong words to describe my emotions and actions because I have an image in my head that I've convinced myself that is the way the other person sees me. I resort to words and phrases like "I'm fine", "I don't want to talk about it" or "You won't understand".
Its beginning to feel so real that "Love isn't always enough", I'm beginning to think that love may be shy because it always wants to be accompanied by something else and it's not always one thing. My love for Mondays couldn't do much to snap me out of the way I was feeling, to nudge me towards my usual Monday vibes. I had to marinate in the feelings in the most healthy way I could think and be in the moment and step out of the feeling when it was done.
