Hi, I'm Sam,
I read somewhere that it takes at least 18 days for a human to form a habit. I've always seen myself as a creature of habit because I love to live a routine life, not that I don't mind occasionally stepping out of the norm and doing exciting things. As a self proclaimed creature of habit, I do not enjoy changing or creating new habits no matter the advantages I stand to gain from the new habit, I just want to stick to what I currently have and not put in the effort to change anything and have to start adjusting to the new routine and fine tuning these new habits. Sticking to the familiar has saved me from so much unnecessary headaches and it has also made me very predictable in any kind of relationship I find myself in. I feel like an open book and enjoy the fact that I don't have to say much before my actions are believed. Its very easy for people to know what I can do and what I cannot be caught dead doing. Some days I feel joy towards being predictable and some days I wish I can shock everyone and do something completely unexpected.
"That is just the way I am" I cannot begin to tell you how long and how much I have used that line to get myself out of doing something expected of me, or something that will generally make me a better person, but I slide it in there because I just don't want to do it. I am often found trying to get more comfortable in my comfort zone. I made people enable me spending so much time in my comfort zone that I have been saddled with the task of making everything different and even better of recent. Whenever I think of complaining about how much inward and outward work I need to do on myself, I remind myself of the years I spent wallowing in my comfort zone instead of doing the work to better fit into the society.
Between the end of last year till present, I've had to do a lot of growing up, I've had to unlearn a lot of things and replacing those things with better things that I get really excited to form new relationships with people because I now feel better equipped to act accordingly and contribute significantly to the relationship. Looking back I wonder how anyone was able to tolerate me with my not-so-good social characters and those characters coming from someone who's mantra is "no man is an island", I lived on an island and expected everyone to inconvenience themselves and try to exist on my island and even when some people do that, I still won't bother to lift a finger because I feel like you should be grateful that you exist in my bubble floating around on my island and if you do not want you can always leave because technically I never wanted you here. By acting this way, I encouraged and applauded myself because I was staying away from chaos and drama. I still had people I tried to reach out to only when it was very very convenient for me and even that cannot be compared to the amount of input the other person was putting into the relationship.
One major thing I've had to learn lately is that I do not need permission to invest in a relationship that needs it especially when the other party is very much interested. I have come a long way from having my heart nearly beating out of my chest just because I want to reach out to someone via phone call. My heart would beat so hard because I'm trying to ask and answer so many questions to determine interest from the other person, I ask if the other person really wants to hear from me, but the number of times the person has been the one reaching out in the past answers that. I always say I will take any call that comes in to prove that I don't mind someone reaching out to me but I never knew that also reaching out and calling also sends the same signal to the other person, I only considered it from my end and didn't bother to think that the other person might feel like a disturbance because despite all their effort I never respond to show that I appreciate their effort and attempt to make my own efforts as well.
Relationships became easy for me to navigate when I stopped looking for permission, I never asked for permission, I just expected it to be given. I may have mistaken permission to mean communication. I took permission before calling, I greeted good morning everyday because I thought I will be called out if I never started the day with a proper greeting. I felt the need to always give assurance that I never take things to heart so the need to always add a smiley emoji at the end of responses seemed necessary. I gave myself rules on how to keep the friendships going and instead of doing what was true, I did what I thought was expected and it always ends up not expected. I broke free of those expectations that weren't given to me when I realized being annoying could be the one thing that will keep this friendship going and strong so long as that was my true nature. I had to be genuine and do what felt right and comfortable with me, if the friendship dies because I was being my true self and showing love and concern as it comes to me, then I will be the first to shovel soil on that friendship.
"That is just the way I am" I cannot begin to tell you how long and how much I have used that line to get myself out of doing something expected of me, or something that will generally make me a better person, but I slide it in there because I just don't want to do it. I am often found trying to get more comfortable in my comfort zone. I made people enable me spending so much time in my comfort zone that I have been saddled with the task of making everything different and even better of recent. Whenever I think of complaining about how much inward and outward work I need to do on myself, I remind myself of the years I spent wallowing in my comfort zone instead of doing the work to better fit into the society.
Between the end of last year till present, I've had to do a lot of growing up, I've had to unlearn a lot of things and replacing those things with better things that I get really excited to form new relationships with people because I now feel better equipped to act accordingly and contribute significantly to the relationship. Looking back I wonder how anyone was able to tolerate me with my not-so-good social characters and those characters coming from someone who's mantra is "no man is an island", I lived on an island and expected everyone to inconvenience themselves and try to exist on my island and even when some people do that, I still won't bother to lift a finger because I feel like you should be grateful that you exist in my bubble floating around on my island and if you do not want you can always leave because technically I never wanted you here. By acting this way, I encouraged and applauded myself because I was staying away from chaos and drama. I still had people I tried to reach out to only when it was very very convenient for me and even that cannot be compared to the amount of input the other person was putting into the relationship.
One major thing I've had to learn lately is that I do not need permission to invest in a relationship that needs it especially when the other party is very much interested. I have come a long way from having my heart nearly beating out of my chest just because I want to reach out to someone via phone call. My heart would beat so hard because I'm trying to ask and answer so many questions to determine interest from the other person, I ask if the other person really wants to hear from me, but the number of times the person has been the one reaching out in the past answers that. I always say I will take any call that comes in to prove that I don't mind someone reaching out to me but I never knew that also reaching out and calling also sends the same signal to the other person, I only considered it from my end and didn't bother to think that the other person might feel like a disturbance because despite all their effort I never respond to show that I appreciate their effort and attempt to make my own efforts as well.
Relationships became easy for me to navigate when I stopped looking for permission, I never asked for permission, I just expected it to be given. I may have mistaken permission to mean communication. I took permission before calling, I greeted good morning everyday because I thought I will be called out if I never started the day with a proper greeting. I felt the need to always give assurance that I never take things to heart so the need to always add a smiley emoji at the end of responses seemed necessary. I gave myself rules on how to keep the friendships going and instead of doing what was true, I did what I thought was expected and it always ends up not expected. I broke free of those expectations that weren't given to me when I realized being annoying could be the one thing that will keep this friendship going and strong so long as that was my true nature. I had to be genuine and do what felt right and comfortable with me, if the friendship dies because I was being my true self and showing love and concern as it comes to me, then I will be the first to shovel soil on that friendship.
