Its one thing to wield power and its another things to know that there's a kind of power you wield, its also one thing to know that there's some kind of power you wield and another thing to know how much of that power you wield and its pretty normal to not care about how much power you wield. I always like to remind myself that as little as I may be right now in the world, there's some sort of power I proudly wield and I am not interested in knowing how much of the power, I just want to always acknowledge that I have powers and one of those powers is the power to change my mind. Coming from a place of not realizing that the power to change my mind is such a powerful power to have, I've allowed myself to be in such terrible and unpalatable situations because I wanted to play nice and not be tagged as "indecisive" and that is a tag I was very unwilling to have stuck on me, not because I was actually indecisive but don't want the tag but because people got comfortable using that tag to put me in a place I don't want to be in. I am not going to pretend that there isn't a thin line between legit change of mind on important things that affect my daily life and future and being indecisive, and yes, sometimes I wander off into the later but I'll rather have myself occasionally wander off to being indecisive than strip myself of the knowledge of the power that is in changing my mind or not exercising it at all.
The aspect that I feel a little guilty is when I non-verbaly agree to something with someone, almost like leading the person on when I haven't done a good job thinking the situation through enough to make a verbal decision. When my informed decision goes contrary to the non-verbal decision, I find it a little difficult to communicate my new decision because I feel guilty but not guilty enough to allow myself do what I do not want or won't enjoy which is basically displeasing myself just to please another party. Yes, I hate the "indecisive" tag but not as much as I hate the "people pleaser" tag and the most unsettling thing about it is that these tags comes from people you're trying to please by displeasing yourself. On one hand, I am trying to encourage myself to swallow the hard pill for the other person and on the other hand, the party I am trying to please already has a solid list of reasons I shouldn't do what I am about to do but not enough to communicate those reasons to me because I should already know them and whatever it is i want to do is obviously going to be in their best interest so why stop a good thing going for them?
I've gone down so many career paths and I can say I'm finally at the right spot where I should be and the only way I was able to get to this place was because I exercised my power of changing my mind. I would start getting physically uncomfortable and I would start asking questions to determine and ultimately convince myself that I shouldn't be at the spot I was. The decisions to identify that I don't love whatever I was doing at that point wasn't easy at all because I always showed enthusiasm and was very vocal about whatever I was doing, so deciding to change path meant that I was going to have to update everyone I talked to about what the current situation was. I'm sure it was hard for my friends not only to keep up with the career changes but to also figure out how to help me grow and get better because as they're trying to figure out how to support me in one thing, I've completely switched and started doing something else, now they have to find another way to support me in the new thing and as they're working on that new idea, I'm also working on how to switch up on them and start something completely different. I honestly did consider my friends and everyone who was rooting for me but one thing that kept me going and switching was the thought of living miserably, I loved how my friends would light up when they talked about what they do that I wanted the same for myself and I am grateful that they gave me an environment where I never felt judged or considered unserious because I was trying to figure out what to do. I didn't have the luxury to take so much time off to figure out exactly what I wanted to do and I figured really early that I can only be certain of what I wanted by doing, which meant I needed to try things out to know if it's for me or not. I never experienced shame enough to let me stick to what I didn't love because I didn't want to disappoint or come off a certain way to my loved ones. Now that I enjoy what I do, they know its out of determination, never giving up and changing my mind when it was pivotal to the ultimate decision.
I love the concept of unspoken understanding and I always cherish people I have that with. The idea that I can be understood in my uniformed and indecisive state without saying words is very thrilling to me. I have been lucky to have an unspoken understanding with my siblings and very close friends, I am still working on having that with my parents and if I'm being honest, there's no hope there. I always have the intension to try as much as I can to use words to explain how I feel or what I mean and in situations where someone whether intentionally or otherwise chooses to understand and act in the best interest of everyone involved tells me all I need to know about the person because as selfish as humans can be in nature, when someone else puts your interest in front or at the same level as theirs, that in itself tells me that I am needed in that life and I will do everything humanly possible to not only reciprocate the kind gesture but honor and appreciate it.
The aspect that I feel a little guilty is when I non-verbaly agree to something with someone, almost like leading the person on when I haven't done a good job thinking the situation through enough to make a verbal decision. When my informed decision goes contrary to the non-verbal decision, I find it a little difficult to communicate my new decision because I feel guilty but not guilty enough to allow myself do what I do not want or won't enjoy which is basically displeasing myself just to please another party. Yes, I hate the "indecisive" tag but not as much as I hate the "people pleaser" tag and the most unsettling thing about it is that these tags comes from people you're trying to please by displeasing yourself. On one hand, I am trying to encourage myself to swallow the hard pill for the other person and on the other hand, the party I am trying to please already has a solid list of reasons I shouldn't do what I am about to do but not enough to communicate those reasons to me because I should already know them and whatever it is i want to do is obviously going to be in their best interest so why stop a good thing going for them?
I've gone down so many career paths and I can say I'm finally at the right spot where I should be and the only way I was able to get to this place was because I exercised my power of changing my mind. I would start getting physically uncomfortable and I would start asking questions to determine and ultimately convince myself that I shouldn't be at the spot I was. The decisions to identify that I don't love whatever I was doing at that point wasn't easy at all because I always showed enthusiasm and was very vocal about whatever I was doing, so deciding to change path meant that I was going to have to update everyone I talked to about what the current situation was. I'm sure it was hard for my friends not only to keep up with the career changes but to also figure out how to help me grow and get better because as they're trying to figure out how to support me in one thing, I've completely switched and started doing something else, now they have to find another way to support me in the new thing and as they're working on that new idea, I'm also working on how to switch up on them and start something completely different. I honestly did consider my friends and everyone who was rooting for me but one thing that kept me going and switching was the thought of living miserably, I loved how my friends would light up when they talked about what they do that I wanted the same for myself and I am grateful that they gave me an environment where I never felt judged or considered unserious because I was trying to figure out what to do. I didn't have the luxury to take so much time off to figure out exactly what I wanted to do and I figured really early that I can only be certain of what I wanted by doing, which meant I needed to try things out to know if it's for me or not. I never experienced shame enough to let me stick to what I didn't love because I didn't want to disappoint or come off a certain way to my loved ones. Now that I enjoy what I do, they know its out of determination, never giving up and changing my mind when it was pivotal to the ultimate decision.
I love the concept of unspoken understanding and I always cherish people I have that with. The idea that I can be understood in my uniformed and indecisive state without saying words is very thrilling to me. I have been lucky to have an unspoken understanding with my siblings and very close friends, I am still working on having that with my parents and if I'm being honest, there's no hope there. I always have the intension to try as much as I can to use words to explain how I feel or what I mean and in situations where someone whether intentionally or otherwise chooses to understand and act in the best interest of everyone involved tells me all I need to know about the person because as selfish as humans can be in nature, when someone else puts your interest in front or at the same level as theirs, that in itself tells me that I am needed in that life and I will do everything humanly possible to not only reciprocate the kind gesture but honor and appreciate it.
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