Hi, I'm Sam,
I drew the map of my life really early in life with zero understanding of what life really is. I had this eagerness to grow up so fast almost like i was desperate for it because I needed to start doing things contained in my map. While I was curious about doing these older things, I couldn't find the curiosity to map out my younger years, It didn't bother me what foundation the older me would build on, I didn’t bother to grasp how important the foundation was so I didn't care to map it out. Maybe I didn't feel my younger years were my responsibility as I was still under my parents and didn't have any choice but to do whatever they said so they should have the map, but thinking about it now, if I really thought they should have the map to how my teenage years should go, why was I not curious enough to ask about it or desire to look at it because that should have some sort of influence on the map I was drawing up for my adult years.
Despite the burning desire to grow up so fast, I did try to enjoy the younger years, although it flew by because I barely have memories of it, but there were quite a few pivotal moments whenever I remember, I smile and feel blessed. Some of the things I'm doing now can also be traced back to younger me, my curiosity, my fascination towards those things kept my brain sharp and also helped make way on the path that i would walk when I got older. I guess I couldn't run or avoid certain things because they were so deep in me and would form the life I would live no matter what I decided to include or exclude from my map.
One of the characteristics of growth for me is doing what I really want, Identifying what means so much to me, accepting and recognizing it in whatever way that will drive it home to me. Being unashamed about who I truly am and living my best life while at it. Growth has never started and will never end at 28 but for some reason I felt terrible when I identified that I still had a lot of growing up to do at 28. Something unidentified convinced me that I wasn't where I was supposed to be and those things I needed to do to signify growth which I haven't done made me feel so ashamed of myself. I didn't let others see it in me and I did a good job at convincing people that it doesn't bother me but inwards I was beating myself up and saying things that I will never say out loud.
Frankly speaking, my feeling of having so much room for growth is not void of comparison, comparison based on things I know that I can do but aren't doing and watching others do it, I needed to grow to cheer those doing it on and growing up to finding the desire and courage to do those things as well and in my own way. Comparison is definitely the thief of joy but in my case I used comparison to wake myself up to my capabilities, so assess my life while doing some things and while avoiding some things, my life while pursing set goals for myself and my life when I achieve them or when I don't, my growth in character, acceptance and challenges.
I have often misplaced structure to mean dependence, I tell myself that running to family and friends for the littlest things is my way of creating structure in my life and routine meanwhile the truth of the whole situation is that I am still very much dependent on these people and still have the fear of standing on my own and doing things. The fear of making mistakes and having to live with the consequences have crippled me to remain dependent because if I make a mistake from an advice I received from a loved one, I will have someone other than myself to blame for the situation and will always have help from them. I've convinced myself that the load of self mistake is too heavy to carry alone, so I have to find someone to share it with me whether they realize it or not. Fast forward to now, I've realized that growth is as much as leaning on loved ones as much as it's about trying to do things on my own, the growth is in the balance, taking counsel into consideration while finding out things for myself and taking and owning the decisions.
I currently love to live life with no room for regret, I don't want to find myself someday on my bed or sitting and lost in thought wondering what didn't happen and trying to regret my past years, and because I've been living like that I can guarantee that its not the best way to live. I find satisfaction in trying to find other ways other than my way to do things, my way might be easy and used to me but it might not be the best or easiest way to do something. As much as I take pride in doing things my way or a certain way does not mean it couldn't be better or easier, so I don't mind asking questions, to learn and grow. People around me already know that before I can ask for a way to do something, I already have my way of doing that particular thing and I'm usually asked how I do it and after a little hesitation, I share my way of doing it and in some cases I find out that my approach could be improved and the growth I get in that moment is always satisfying to me because I have my involvement and the input of someone else.
Despite the burning desire to grow up so fast, I did try to enjoy the younger years, although it flew by because I barely have memories of it, but there were quite a few pivotal moments whenever I remember, I smile and feel blessed. Some of the things I'm doing now can also be traced back to younger me, my curiosity, my fascination towards those things kept my brain sharp and also helped make way on the path that i would walk when I got older. I guess I couldn't run or avoid certain things because they were so deep in me and would form the life I would live no matter what I decided to include or exclude from my map.
One of the characteristics of growth for me is doing what I really want, Identifying what means so much to me, accepting and recognizing it in whatever way that will drive it home to me. Being unashamed about who I truly am and living my best life while at it. Growth has never started and will never end at 28 but for some reason I felt terrible when I identified that I still had a lot of growing up to do at 28. Something unidentified convinced me that I wasn't where I was supposed to be and those things I needed to do to signify growth which I haven't done made me feel so ashamed of myself. I didn't let others see it in me and I did a good job at convincing people that it doesn't bother me but inwards I was beating myself up and saying things that I will never say out loud.
Frankly speaking, my feeling of having so much room for growth is not void of comparison, comparison based on things I know that I can do but aren't doing and watching others do it, I needed to grow to cheer those doing it on and growing up to finding the desire and courage to do those things as well and in my own way. Comparison is definitely the thief of joy but in my case I used comparison to wake myself up to my capabilities, so assess my life while doing some things and while avoiding some things, my life while pursing set goals for myself and my life when I achieve them or when I don't, my growth in character, acceptance and challenges.
I have often misplaced structure to mean dependence, I tell myself that running to family and friends for the littlest things is my way of creating structure in my life and routine meanwhile the truth of the whole situation is that I am still very much dependent on these people and still have the fear of standing on my own and doing things. The fear of making mistakes and having to live with the consequences have crippled me to remain dependent because if I make a mistake from an advice I received from a loved one, I will have someone other than myself to blame for the situation and will always have help from them. I've convinced myself that the load of self mistake is too heavy to carry alone, so I have to find someone to share it with me whether they realize it or not. Fast forward to now, I've realized that growth is as much as leaning on loved ones as much as it's about trying to do things on my own, the growth is in the balance, taking counsel into consideration while finding out things for myself and taking and owning the decisions.
I currently love to live life with no room for regret, I don't want to find myself someday on my bed or sitting and lost in thought wondering what didn't happen and trying to regret my past years, and because I've been living like that I can guarantee that its not the best way to live. I find satisfaction in trying to find other ways other than my way to do things, my way might be easy and used to me but it might not be the best or easiest way to do something. As much as I take pride in doing things my way or a certain way does not mean it couldn't be better or easier, so I don't mind asking questions, to learn and grow. People around me already know that before I can ask for a way to do something, I already have my way of doing that particular thing and I'm usually asked how I do it and after a little hesitation, I share my way of doing it and in some cases I find out that my approach could be improved and the growth I get in that moment is always satisfying to me because I have my involvement and the input of someone else.
