Hi, I'm Sam,
I think at some point in my teenage years, to be cool was my ultimate desire, nothing else really seemed so important to me because they came easily to me but being cool was something I really wanted but somehow struggled with it and didn't know how to be that or even attempt to. I never really had any good reason as to why I wanted to be cool, I just knew that was what I wanted and I needed to get it to experience some sense of accomplishment and feeling of belonging. I couldn't really define what cool was either to me or to someone else but I figured I could pick one person who I thought was undeniably cool and replicated whatever they were doing then somehow I could be considered cool in some ramification. I'm not sure if I ever got to be cool despite my efforts and all but I'm glad the need to be or considered cool left me as fast as it came and as intense as the feeling was, I didn't feel any regret or hurt when it didn't happen.
I love clearly, my love for something may not be as loud as I'd want it to be but it will definitely be clear and obvious that I love that thing or person. I didn't choose to be this way, left for me, I'd love to love loudly because a loud love give reassurance, it says a lot even when you struggle with words because it is shown in actions rather than words, it's refreshing and unhindered no matter the efforts made to hinder it and when someone who genuinely loves loudly stops, you don't need anyone to let you know that the feelings have changed. I find it easy to love something that I have genuine interest in it. My interest easily goes 360 degrees, that is my way to confirm whether or not to love something I am interested in. I need to know and understand every aspect so that when the love sets in, I don't get to pick what parts to love and what parts to not love or pay attention to. When I love I want to love every part, even the parts I may complain about from time to time, and the good thing is that the parts that I complain about from time to time will never outshine the parts that I clearly love.
I didn't choose my love style, I desired so many times to love in other ways but I soon realized that it made me look and feel like a replica of the person I wanted to copy. All i had to do was accept my ways, make them better and build on it. The things I've ever wanted to change about myself growing up are the things that keep those who draw close to me, which means I would've lost the special people in my life currently if I had done everything to change myself because those things that would've not only drawn them to me but keep them would've been missing. I also dropped my habit of dropping things I cannot label. My obsession with labels made me desire to change so many things about me. I wanted every aspect of me to be perfectly defined by one word or phrase but the moment I learnt that I cannot be fit into a box and decided to abandon the desire to be defined by one thing, I learnt to accept and love me for me and when I recognize things I really do need to change about myself, I don't come from the angle of Imperfection but from the angle of upgrading, updating, tweaking which builds better me on my unique self and foundation and not on changing myself to fit into a definition I had no hand in making up. My interests might look like obsession but it's love for every fiber and aspect that comes from acceptance and belief that variety is the ultimate spice of life, I can't be a version of the person next to me.
The fact that I love my interests completely, even the parts that I complain about makes it very easy to wonder if I love blindly. Because I accept the imperfect parts and do not bother to belittle my love for that by publicly rebuking that imperfect part and people end up thinking I'm either obsessed, hypnotized or simply blind. Publicly speaking ill of the parts I may not like is not going to change those parts to become what I think they should be and who decides that what I think they should be should actually be what it should be. I am not the moral police and as such I don't quite feel equipped enough to decide how things should be. Just as I see and point out the imperfect things, there are things that are imperfect about me or how I do things and if I police every other thing or person morally, who should police me? "Imperfections" makes us unique and I cannot compliment something or someone who is already perfect, the moment I squeeze myself into that situation, I have immediately changed the status to something different than it previously was.
I love clearly, my love for something may not be as loud as I'd want it to be but it will definitely be clear and obvious that I love that thing or person. I didn't choose to be this way, left for me, I'd love to love loudly because a loud love give reassurance, it says a lot even when you struggle with words because it is shown in actions rather than words, it's refreshing and unhindered no matter the efforts made to hinder it and when someone who genuinely loves loudly stops, you don't need anyone to let you know that the feelings have changed. I find it easy to love something that I have genuine interest in it. My interest easily goes 360 degrees, that is my way to confirm whether or not to love something I am interested in. I need to know and understand every aspect so that when the love sets in, I don't get to pick what parts to love and what parts to not love or pay attention to. When I love I want to love every part, even the parts I may complain about from time to time, and the good thing is that the parts that I complain about from time to time will never outshine the parts that I clearly love.
I didn't choose my love style, I desired so many times to love in other ways but I soon realized that it made me look and feel like a replica of the person I wanted to copy. All i had to do was accept my ways, make them better and build on it. The things I've ever wanted to change about myself growing up are the things that keep those who draw close to me, which means I would've lost the special people in my life currently if I had done everything to change myself because those things that would've not only drawn them to me but keep them would've been missing. I also dropped my habit of dropping things I cannot label. My obsession with labels made me desire to change so many things about me. I wanted every aspect of me to be perfectly defined by one word or phrase but the moment I learnt that I cannot be fit into a box and decided to abandon the desire to be defined by one thing, I learnt to accept and love me for me and when I recognize things I really do need to change about myself, I don't come from the angle of Imperfection but from the angle of upgrading, updating, tweaking which builds better me on my unique self and foundation and not on changing myself to fit into a definition I had no hand in making up. My interests might look like obsession but it's love for every fiber and aspect that comes from acceptance and belief that variety is the ultimate spice of life, I can't be a version of the person next to me.
The fact that I love my interests completely, even the parts that I complain about makes it very easy to wonder if I love blindly. Because I accept the imperfect parts and do not bother to belittle my love for that by publicly rebuking that imperfect part and people end up thinking I'm either obsessed, hypnotized or simply blind. Publicly speaking ill of the parts I may not like is not going to change those parts to become what I think they should be and who decides that what I think they should be should actually be what it should be. I am not the moral police and as such I don't quite feel equipped enough to decide how things should be. Just as I see and point out the imperfect things, there are things that are imperfect about me or how I do things and if I police every other thing or person morally, who should police me? "Imperfections" makes us unique and I cannot compliment something or someone who is already perfect, the moment I squeeze myself into that situation, I have immediately changed the status to something different than it previously was.
