Hi, I'm Sam,
It's very easy to brag about always trying your best to be in control of so many aspects of life even though so many things will try to remind you that always being in control is not always how things go. So the pride taken when things are indeed under your control is warranted and not at all out of place. I have finally come to understand it when people say "your comfort zone will kill you". The first time I heard it, I legit thought they were being dramatic and unreasonable but like always, when you get to a point, you realize why people come to certain conclusions to the issues of life. Take me for instance. I believe I've come to that jarring point and I must confess, it's not a good feeling at all.
I have done a terrible job at not realizing that I've been in my comfort zone for far too long and I have been labeling my comfort zone with different names instead of acknowledging it for exactly what it is and trying to get myself out of it. I've confused my comfort zone to be structure, love and grace. Truthfully, I do have love and grace is large quantity but I truly do not have structure. Now that I've found myself at this point, all I can do is resent all the time that I've turned a blind eye to many phases in life and treating my situation to be whatever I've refused to recognize it to be and convincing myself that it's not so bad and force myself to be grateful for things I really should be working hard to get out of. This point now makes me resent the truth because I know that whatever I can hear from the main voice of reason in my life is the undiluted truth but for some reason it sounds so harsh and too bitter of a pill to swallow. All the enthusiasm and zeal I thought I've had for the longest time now feels like it's not enough which makes me seriously wonder how much more zealous I need to be if whatever amount I have right now is in no way enough.
I feel terrible now and I don't even feel like talking to anyone about it, not because I don't know what to say or how to say it but I've had these kinds of episodes in the past and even though I know this one is more intense, there's no way for me to actually convey that this is it moment to whoever I decide to talk to without them having to tell me what they've always said in the past to the previous episodes thinking that this is one of those things so let me tell him what he wants to hear so he can get out the funk. I want to feel motivated but all the times in the past I've felt motivated, nothing changed and I really want this to be the point where I do things differently to get a different outcome asides from feeling better and going back to relax in my comfort zone. Another reason why I feel terrible is that all these while I thought I was feeling uncomfortable trying to get out of my comfort zone, I was only running laps around my comfort zone thinking that I was actually doing something to get out of the zone that I've never really acknowledged to be in to begin with.
In the spirit of doing things differently, I'm not going to start looking for something or someone else to share the blame with. The support systems I've had all my life are not the reason I feel so cozy about my situation. I also do not need to resent my support system to be able to do things differently. I was the one who failed to take my support system for what it is, which is to support whatever I had going on, instead I just completely leaned on the support instead of doing everything possible to always add my support to what I already have going on and that will be the only way the support would make sense and actually look and feel like what it is. The life of "cross the bridge when i get to it" is not the best after all and the life of completely and meticulously planning out is also not the best for me and now I have to find my balance in it. For years I've relied solely on the first option without laying the grounds to give me things that I can confidently predict and not hope to happen.
Knowing my capabilities and the fact that everyone around me recognizes that I'm not average and can see my potential just like I do doesn't make it easy but gives me something to hold on to but having nothing to show for these innate capabilities despite being busy doing something productive but nothing to show for it is a terrible feeling to have but there's nothing to do but to feel the feelings and do something to make a change and move to a different level while at it. I understand that real life looks different for different people and just because I cannot imagine a scenario does not mean that it will never happen. I am not using another person's reality to imagine mine, it can inspire mine but I will not imagine someone else's reality to be mine because mine could be better or worse and I will eventually have to adjust with either way it goes but of course I'm only going to work towards the best and it will happen that way. This crash out is not just to try to make sense of how I'm feeling and to get it out, it's also to document this crash out to make sure that I come back to it from a different point where I don't crash out from feeling powerless, but from the point of change and doing something entirely new and ensuring that I've gone up and looking down and also acknowledging what I feel now doing everything possible to not feel this way again and being at what I will actually say is my lowest point.
I have done a terrible job at not realizing that I've been in my comfort zone for far too long and I have been labeling my comfort zone with different names instead of acknowledging it for exactly what it is and trying to get myself out of it. I've confused my comfort zone to be structure, love and grace. Truthfully, I do have love and grace is large quantity but I truly do not have structure. Now that I've found myself at this point, all I can do is resent all the time that I've turned a blind eye to many phases in life and treating my situation to be whatever I've refused to recognize it to be and convincing myself that it's not so bad and force myself to be grateful for things I really should be working hard to get out of. This point now makes me resent the truth because I know that whatever I can hear from the main voice of reason in my life is the undiluted truth but for some reason it sounds so harsh and too bitter of a pill to swallow. All the enthusiasm and zeal I thought I've had for the longest time now feels like it's not enough which makes me seriously wonder how much more zealous I need to be if whatever amount I have right now is in no way enough.
I feel terrible now and I don't even feel like talking to anyone about it, not because I don't know what to say or how to say it but I've had these kinds of episodes in the past and even though I know this one is more intense, there's no way for me to actually convey that this is it moment to whoever I decide to talk to without them having to tell me what they've always said in the past to the previous episodes thinking that this is one of those things so let me tell him what he wants to hear so he can get out the funk. I want to feel motivated but all the times in the past I've felt motivated, nothing changed and I really want this to be the point where I do things differently to get a different outcome asides from feeling better and going back to relax in my comfort zone. Another reason why I feel terrible is that all these while I thought I was feeling uncomfortable trying to get out of my comfort zone, I was only running laps around my comfort zone thinking that I was actually doing something to get out of the zone that I've never really acknowledged to be in to begin with.
In the spirit of doing things differently, I'm not going to start looking for something or someone else to share the blame with. The support systems I've had all my life are not the reason I feel so cozy about my situation. I also do not need to resent my support system to be able to do things differently. I was the one who failed to take my support system for what it is, which is to support whatever I had going on, instead I just completely leaned on the support instead of doing everything possible to always add my support to what I already have going on and that will be the only way the support would make sense and actually look and feel like what it is. The life of "cross the bridge when i get to it" is not the best after all and the life of completely and meticulously planning out is also not the best for me and now I have to find my balance in it. For years I've relied solely on the first option without laying the grounds to give me things that I can confidently predict and not hope to happen.
Knowing my capabilities and the fact that everyone around me recognizes that I'm not average and can see my potential just like I do doesn't make it easy but gives me something to hold on to but having nothing to show for these innate capabilities despite being busy doing something productive but nothing to show for it is a terrible feeling to have but there's nothing to do but to feel the feelings and do something to make a change and move to a different level while at it. I understand that real life looks different for different people and just because I cannot imagine a scenario does not mean that it will never happen. I am not using another person's reality to imagine mine, it can inspire mine but I will not imagine someone else's reality to be mine because mine could be better or worse and I will eventually have to adjust with either way it goes but of course I'm only going to work towards the best and it will happen that way. This crash out is not just to try to make sense of how I'm feeling and to get it out, it's also to document this crash out to make sure that I come back to it from a different point where I don't crash out from feeling powerless, but from the point of change and doing something entirely new and ensuring that I've gone up and looking down and also acknowledging what I feel now doing everything possible to not feel this way again and being at what I will actually say is my lowest point.
