Hi, I'm Sam,
I consider it extremely important to remind myself that not everything is about me and no one thinks about me as much as I do. With that in mind, I have to try as much as I can to remove myself from so many scenarios that I think has so much to do with me but actually has nothing to do with me no matter how much I try to convince myself that it does. Thinking that something has a lot to do with me when it doesn't isn't about having a main character syndrome, I believe it comes from trying to be in control and trying to fix what probably isn't broken. If I can make it about me then I can work on the list I have given myself in an attempt to make things better and be better than I think it is in the present. Sometimes I blame this on being someone who absorbs energy. If I think the situation is about me then I can channel my energy into making it better so that I don't sit idle waiting for it to fix itself. But in so many scenarios, I've realized I can't fix what I don't know the cause and inserting myself doesn't help as much as I've convinced myself that it does and I'm sure I've been coming off weird because the person is trying to make sense of what I'm doing because they know that it isn't about me, so making it about me must seem really crazy.
Absorbing surrounding energy has made me unclear as to who exactly I am. Sometimes I question myself to find out if I'm really a happy person or because I'm surrounded by happy people or am I easily irritated because the people around me have high scores in getting irritated easily. I've tried to pay attention to who I really am when I'm alone but when I'm alone, there isn't so much to react to which can help me determine who I am. When I'm alone, sometimes i get lost in thought, or listen to music or read and all these things are not exactly what I freely do when I'm around people. Sometimes I listen to music when I'm with people but they keep pointing that out to be rude but the fact that the requirements when I'm around people is quite different from the requirements for when I'm alone and in my space can be confusing. I have come to conclude that the person I am when I'm alone is as genuine as the person I become when I'm around people. Different scenarios require different responses and I don't think I want to waste my time trying to determine one response to be more genuine than the other.
I don't like to spend time and energy thinking about my problems, but to find a solution to a problem, you have to think or do I say analyze the problem. I guess what differs is whether I'm just focused on the problem to quiz myself about why it happened and what I could've done differently or thinking out a solution to a problem. I try to wish people good which is one of the reason why I think I'm always the problem when people are upset. In my mind I'm wishing them well by inserting myself into whatever I think is going on with them, that way I know that if I do something different, their mood would be better but even with this, people get out of their funk when they're ready or when the situation is resolved and that is something I do not have anything to do with especially when it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
The one time I decided to practice not inserting myself in people's situation, I was labeled as inconsiderate because I no longer tried so hard to make things better as I didn't think the situation had anything to do with me but I've also tried to learn how to make something better without having to insert myself into the situation or make it about me. So when I appear to help, I come from a different unselfish angle that the person genuinely feels seen, heard and helped and it's really a good feeling knowing that someone felt lighter because of my help and that I didn't help because I was the cause or because I needed to assuage my conscience in one way or another.
It is a new year and I don't make new year resolutions, all I do is be better at things that are good for me and drop things that aren't and this decisions do not exactly happen at the beginning of the year, they just happen when they need to happen and I carry on with as much intensity as I need to just to get things done. One thing I won't do going forward is to not make someone else emergency mine unless it's life threatening. Those who I have tried to make their emergencies mine have proven time and time again that it wasn't appreciated and as such I have to endeavor to try to remain on my path while on it and dead any desire to switch lanes while trying to be helpful in whatever shape or form.
Looking back can be one of the many ways to move forward. I am not looking back to point out all the mistakes I've made, or to absolve myself of all the wrong doings, I look back to identify patterns, good or bad. Whichever column it falls under will in some way help me to move forward and I will move forward by either avoiding certain things after acknowledging them or I'll move forward doing certain things and trying my best to get even better at them.
HAPPY NEW YEAR DEAR READER!
YOU ARE LOVED ♥
