Hi, I'm Sam,
It feels so good to know, admit to myself and finally say that I do not feel any bit of urge to keep performing for an audience that is not even paying attention and I would still not perform even if they were. Someone said that everyone is completely aware of what they're doing, they may not be honest about their intentions to others but within themselves they know exactly why they do what they do, they just hope that the other person is not smart enough to figure it out or they hope the other person is not interested in doing anything about it. Just like a talking stage, I really do believe everyone takes records of their interaction with people and they use the record to ultimately decide how to act toward each person. That way they're informed as to what part of themselves they bring to certain people and what parts of themselves they need to strip or hide to properly exist around certain people. This is a skill I think i like, I try to often restrict myself around certain people but not by alot, regardless I do that for myself because there's a level of intimacy I get with people when i am completely myself and vulnerable. This is a part of me I find difficult to hold back after I've already shown it because as much as people might deny it, they connect and resonate so easily to genuine nature because it helps them connect with themselves in ways they willingly do not allow themselves too. This way they don't feel alone and as such bond over certain similar or diverse issues that may easily go unnoticed in a space that will allow those emotions flourish.
For me, as I learn others, I try to pay attention to who I am around those people and whatever decision I make comes from the willingness or lack thereof to shrink or stretch myself to fit into whatever shape is required to function in that environment. As a people pleaser, it's very easy to think that you're doing the world a favour by finding the terrible ways to fit in but in that "service" you think you might be rendering, you're doing yourself a huge disservice which in turn does not please you. I can speak on this from a personal angle because I've caught myself mad at myself because I did something that didn't work for me, almost at my detriment just to please someone else. I keep counting the times I put myself first as a disappointment because I was skilled at thinking that my sole purpose was to put myself at the very last while stretching to carry as much things that isn't mine and trying to function at the maximum while stretching myself way beyond my elastic capabilities.
In genuine relationships it is expected to do things for those whom you genuinely love. It digs a deeper meaning when you do things for them even when it's not very convenient for you and that is why it's a service because you're putting their needs and expectations above yours in that instance and being able to render that service also does something to you, gives you a feeling that you genuinely appreciate. But like I said in the beginning, a lot of people know what they're doing and when certain people become comfortable with just receiving services from you because they know that they can always count on you, it begins to feel like your ability to be reliable has become a curse to you. The fact that you started to render those sevices genuinely, it will take a while before you realize that you're being used and certain times when the thought of being used crosses your mind, you will do a great job at making up excuses for those users and you will excuse them for what you know that they're doing but can't get yourself to believe that they're really doing.
I've learnt to draw the line at being good or rendering service to certain people when i realize the only way i can get out of helping out will be to lie. Loyalty to myself did not just mean saying no but realizing that the times I was used was a disrespect to my genuine intentions. It took a lot of flogging myself to finally learn how to adjust and choose me when it comes to people who have taken for granted the value they got from me. If I am not of value to you, I don't think placing so much value or any value on you is worth it and this has absolutely nothing to do with reciprocity or matching energy. If anything, it's more about not wasting energy in areas that it's not needed and as the custodian of my energy, I can spread my resources to any area or distance I choose.
As I try to identify and classify my dealings with other people, I also try to identify what side of the divide I fall under. It's possible to render selfless service to people who need it and also be using someone else in a different area of my life. The self righteous me would focus on calling out and trying to stay away from people who are taking my kind gestures and intentionality for granted while I am doing the same things to someone else who is trying to be selfless with me while I'm just using them. It's easy to identify how I am being wronged while ignoring who I have wronged. We all know what we are doing as individuals which is the reason why as I try to deal with people in the most honest way possible. I have to honestly and without prejudice access my dealings and actions towards other people because it would be extremely embarrassing for me to sit and outline how someone else has wronged or currently in the wrong and then have the very same items in the list if not worse outlined for my sake. Terrible behaviors cannot cancel out terrible behaviors and when we try to promote paying it forward, I like to think we're only referring to the good things in life where good deeds received can be passed on to someone else in various ways to encourage in a subtle way to extend such good deeds in whichever way is easy ad accessible to any individual at any given time.
