Hi, I'm Sam,
I was 16 when I started wishing I could drive, before that I was just there to enjoy rides but what I enjoyed the most was the opportunity to be driven without much thought to where we were going to. At some point my dad seriously considered changing my name because he felt like the name had an effect on me. For better clarification, my igbo name is "Chisom" which translates to "God follows me", so my dad was convinced that the name was the reason i wanted to follow everyone everywhere instead of just letting God do the following. To think I really enjoyed being driven around but I didn't like the idea that my movement also meant that someone else had movement, so I thought it was a huge disturbance. Despite the fact the person was doing his job, It still didn't sit right with me that I had to drag someone around and it didn't help that my movement were not very important. The thoughts of driving started to creep in because my brother could drive, my parents were also capable of driving, so why not drive as well? The cars were there and it would ease my conscience a little bit having to move around on my own. The driver never complained about having to drive me around because it was his job but as I've gotten older, I've realized that just because I'm being paid to do something doesn't mean I love what I'm doing so I had to consider reducing his stress or even removing myself entirely from his driving stress any way that i can either by reducing my movements or taking it upon myself to learn how to drive and move around at my pace and time.
I didn't nurture any fear before I started to learn but I realized that I got into this terrible habit of imagining the worst things that could happen while driving just before falling to sleep every night. And you would think that would scare me a bit from driving but for some reason those thoughts would never cross my mind while I'm actually doing the driving. I easily felt in control while I was doing the actual thing but in those imagination it was easy for me to imagine not seeing the car behind me, or not turning properly or mistakenly stepping on the accelerator when I want to step on the brake and I can happily report that none of those has ever been my portion so far.
The only way I've been able to face so many of my fears has been to have unwarranted conversations on my head with regards to whatever it is that scares me. Sometimes these conversations ease my fears and something they help me discover new fears in addition to the one that led to the conversation. It's not a full proof method but it's something I've been doing for years and as much as it has helped me try out certain things and conquered, it has also made me run away from things. Look, I know the conversations are with myself which means whatever I feel the outcome is will not be the reality but I've continued to use that method as a legitimate reason to not do certain things. Now i wonder why this not-so-approved and yet to be disproved method function in certain areas and not in other areas. I ultimately realized that I have been the mastermind and with or without the internal conversations, I still go for what I want and run away from the things that scare me more than I'd love to admit.
I've gone through seasons where the reality has done all it can to convince me that I can attempt something without it being the end of me but I still do my best to focus on the fear. But I still cannot figure out where the fear is coming from because everything looks and is what I want but I convince myself that it's too good to be true then I end up ruining it as a result of the intangible figment of my imagination. I begin to wonder what to believe, trying to look beyond what is in front of me and they say when you go around looking for something, you will find that which you are looking for, because that thing is either actually there or you begin to translate whatever you see to be that which you are looking for. You can have everything you've ever wanted and still desire to go looking for what isn't missing
I never had the opportunity to overthink my desire to drive so there was no soil to sustain the growth of fear. I went in, learnt it, practiced it, kept it moving literally and figuratively and i have become so good at it that its bonkers. But that carefree nature is something I've seem to lose at this older age where I have to overthink and analyze everything single thing and plan everything to make sure they roll out the way I want if not I feel like it failed.
It's one thing to desire something and it's another thing to accept those desires when they eventually become a reality. Something in me will always have questions especially when the package isn't in the form I desired. The substance is exactly if not better than I would've imagined but I still find myself questioning the container and looking for ways out because my uncertainty has planted fear and the scale is now tipping in favor of the fear and my desire cannot fight back for me to enjoy that which I have longed for.
