Hi, I'm Sam,
We never forget experiences and one of the things I find very difficult to forget is my interactions with people. This goes both ways though, the way I act towards people and the way they act towards me. The memory sticks whether it was good or bad. In some of the bad cases, I try to make excuses for others that maybe they're not having a good day or maybe someone else has hurt them to act a certain way towards me in a manner that I do not deserve. I have even gone as far as trying to put the blame on myself trying to query my tone in the questions or words I said or my facial expression, just anything to not acknowledge that the way the person acted towards me was not on them but somehow on me.
In recent years, people's interactions with me has somehow been similar. It's almost as if I can anticipate the milestones and with each action or reaction, I take a mental note of what stage in our interaction the person is and I can go ahead to foresee if the friendship will last longer than the previous one or if it's going to crash and burn. Because of the similarities in the previous and present interactions, my predictions are always in the negative because at this point it may seem like a routine or better still a pattern and one thing with patterns is that they always give a particular outcome. Left for me I'd really love every interaction to last longer than I can imagine but the truth is I'm only one person and I cannot carry more than I am capable and I also do not have the power to make people act a certain way. So as much as, I'd love something to go a certain way, there are variables that I cannot control so I just have to do my part and watch as everything either falls into place or fall out of place.
I complain and tell people not to interact with me based on whatever manual or pattern they have with other people. Even if I display things they've seen in others I always want to be treated uniquely. But lately I realized that I don't do that for others. I treat myself so special to want to be treated a certain way but I don't do that for others which is hurtful. I try to act like I have my special and unique reasons why I treat people a certain way but people cannot have their unique reasons to treat me the same as other people who have displayed similar characteristics. Because of this I ruin friendships when I am the cause of a rift. I blame myself and withdraw and the excuse I always give for that withdrawal is that I don't want to be all up on their face while they're trying to work through whatever it is I have done. I always feel so bad to the point that It feels like I don't know how to interact with someone I've always felt free and used to. If I try to address the elephant in the room then it feels like like brining up old wounds and overflogging the issue and if I try to bring up other things, I then feel like I'm trying to change the subject and sweep the issue under the rug. So my withdrawal is to give the person space to process what I had done and maybe speak to me when they've worked through it and is OK with interacting with me again. This is my thought but I just found out that it doesn't translate that way to the other person. My withdrawal doesn't show guilt or space to process the situation but it shows pride and self importance that puts the task of communication on the person who already feels bad for what I did. I found out that space is not the answer, my presence is. It doesn't matter what I want to bring up to discuss what matters is making myself available to work through the issue together and move past it together.
Nothing is set on stone but I have always acted like routines are set on stone and there is no possible way to edit or even change the whole thing. To receive special treatment and consideration, I have to do the same for others. I have always relied so much on my intentions and have always thought that the intension behind my actions was all that mattered but realizing that I can have the best of intentions and it doesn't translate to that towards someone else has led to me constantly take mental notes. It doesn't matter if I am dealing with someone who has made it a mission to misunderstand me, my intentions will always take a back seat when it comes to listening to how anyone feels about what I did. This is not only in the negative. There are times I do really simple things for people and I don't even consider those things weighty but those things are things that people are most grateful and surprised by. My intention is this situation is simple and not a big deal but it turns out to be such a big deal for the recipient in this situation. I have to listen to how they feel, appreciate it if it requires that and course-correct if it requires that as well.
It gets to a point the routine becomes ineffective, my ability to let people go easily becomes nonexistent because the depth of connection now varies and I've realized that certain things can be discussed and resolved instead of casting away a connection that has had meaningful impact. I remember the times I took pride in washing away connections just to start afresh with others and end up washing the new ones away just because accountability felt like too much of a price to pay as an investment in already established connections to get deeply rooted and more meaningful.
