Hi, I'm Sam,
I expected the day of the funeral to be an emotionally heavy day, not because I was feeling that way but because that was what I felt was expected from me and everyone who loved AHUDIYA so much. I don’t think the beginning of the day was emotionally heavy or it might be that some parts of me was still in denial and expecting that someone would jump out of the bushes to say it was all a prank and despite how expensive of a joke that would be, I think I would’ve preferred that to the reality that was staring at me in the coming hours. As the day went on, I was checking the ticking time like someone who was promised something that was more important than what seemed to be playing out.
I kept my cool not because I was strong or because I was trying to be. I kept my cool because I couldn’t find my weakness. I felt numb and somehow couldn’t tap into my emotions in that moment because tapping into that emotion meant I had accepted what had happened and I couldn’t possibly anticipate my next course of actions or reactions. I watched as others expressed their emotions in tears, demeanor and facial expressions and I was more concerned with figuring out which was genuine and which felt like playing a part. One could argue that I was playing the figuring out game on others because I was losing figuring myself out. I felt powerless towards my body and emotions and I was hoping no one else would notice what was going on with me because that felt like the point I needed to prove to everyone there how much my mother meant to me and if I cannot break down the way people would expect me to, then my love for her wasn’t as genuine as they thought. I knew the emotions were there but I just couldn’t express it and even if I did, I doubt I would’ve done it the way people would expect.
I did battle with myself why I was feeling the urge to play a script I thought they had written for me even without having the privilege of reading said script. Even if the script was written, I can choose to either be a part of it or not. I’m glad I didn’t play by any script and I do not have any wishes or regrets for that day because it’s not a day I wish to relive or keep making reference to for whatever odd reason. That kind of day does not happen and expect you to access the trivial things that did or didn’t happen. People with less concern or feelings might derive joy in focusing on the trivial things or it could be their way of not focusing on the serious parts that they couldn’t control. Feeling out of control is one thing but being out of control is a whole other thing especially when every part of you yearns to be in control or to be able to change certain things but finds it impossible to do. You have to first of all deal with the feeling of not being control then move on to accepting that you can’t control what is currently happening and focus on those things which you seem to be able to control to the extent that you can.
I honestly cannot remember needing someone to comfort me on that day. I’m not sure I even looked like I needed it but it didn’t happen. I didn’t feel like I had to make sense of what was happening, I didn’t need an explanation and I very much didn’t want to speak about what I was looking at. I wanted to be in the present, not thinking about what happened an hour ago or what will happen in the hours to come. I wasn’t keeping score or track of my actions and I somehow could keep track of my words because I didn’t say much. What was there to say? A joke seemed insensitive and anything serious felt like piling on to what the present is showcasing.
A funeral has to be the hardest thing to attend, whether or not you’re close to the deceased. So many questions run through your mind as though you have to answer them immediately to offer a permission to proceed with the program. You feel guilty, sorry, angry, relieved, disappointed, heavy, sympathetic, hungry, teary and more in no particular order and the feeling keeps switching so fast before you’re able to identify what you feel at any given moment.
The finality of a funeral service is so quiet yet so loud. But the final moment in the final service has to be the most heart shattering. Options and opinions run through your mind like F1 cars on a race track. You come to so many realizations the moment the casket is being lowered down and as the minister would want to hold it together to do what he’s meant to do, he also has to take into account the feeling that they’re taking something away from you even though they’re really not the ones taking anything away. Most times this is when the feeling of denial dies because while the body is still on the surface, you imagine that something happens and they will wake up. There’s just a glimmer of hope when the body is still accessible on earth but when it starts to get lowered into the ground to be covered by soil, you realize that you just have the moment from the top soil till it hits the sixth feet of the grave to perform whatever miracle you need to give it a different outcome. I remember still holding on to my denial even after her body was laid to the sixth feet and filled with soil and cemented. I caught myself randomly keeping quiet just to try to hear if she was awake and calling for help for us to help her out. I never heard anything but that didn’t stop me from wishing I did and taking those moment of silence to listen for it.
Some memories don’t leave us and some of those memories we wish wouldn’t leave us. I let that last moment remain very fresh in my mind to quickly remind me of how to live. That memory lets me know how things will end eventually and what will make that moment matter will be the kind of life I decide to live and what I decide to do with my life. The people standing around the grave at that point had literally nothing to do to alter the life my mom lived and I know for a fact that they were there not to just witness her last moments but because she affected their lives directly or indirectly in a positive way. In the last moment, the only thing people will have will be memories of who we were to them and to those that matter to them. The balance will be to live in a way truthful to me and positively impacted by my actions to extend a positive effect on everyone around me and beyond.
