Hi, I'm Sam,
Against all my efforts and mental notes, the unwanted somehow creeps in to try to become familiar. I can try to give myself rational and mentally sound reasons why this should remain unwanted, I dig deep and even consult outside help but it becomes a terrible case of the heart wants what it wants. But I still question what part of my heart wants this when there's a part of my heart that just wants to run as fast as my legs can carry me to take me far away from something that half of my heart desires and the other part of my heart wants no part in. Some say follow your heart, but that advise is going to be very hard to follow in this case, a part is trying to be rational and another is trying to leap holding on to nothing but blind faith. The idea of what could come out of this keeps me interested while I try my best to stay away from it. I want to make sure everything flows through the parameters I have set out and I never want to entertain the thought of things going beyond and even when I mistakenly find myself entertaining the beyond the parameter thoughts, I convince myself that the desire to see how things turn out within my parameters outweighs the chances of things going south or the outcome of something not planned.
In all honestly, I can't even blame curiosity for this, curiosity would seem like an easy excuse, an excuse that cannot completely explain why I feel the need to satisfy the half of my heart that wants what it shouldn't want than the half that is trying to protect me from what I don't want by making me realize that I truly do not want this. And now I have to question why the desire burns brighter for the irrational, dare I say negative part. The part that isn't all that it should be but somehow I make up excuses, swapping the cons for the pros hoping that the inevitable unpleasant end will turn pleasant or even if it the end still remains unpleasant, it can be somewhat bearable because I heard someone say "don't live life and regret the things you never got to do".
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but has anyone considered the parts of you that breaks away while you're going through what didn't kill you? Some days I feel like the percentage of my empathy and reaction to terrible things reduces like the battery of a phone that the backlight never goes off. When I hear terrible things happen, I try to find myself feeling the same level of empathy I felt before I started going through things that didn't kill me. I try to sit on the fence so I don't have to explain why I don't have so much empathy. I desire to feel something deeply empathetic but its just not always there and then what I eventually feel isn't something I wish to or not to the extent I want and I can't seem to do anything about it no matter how hard I try. Some days it feels like my reactions to things take their sweet time to manifest which is often why I'm scared someone judging me based on an immediate reaction because I know that there's every chance for the judgement to be incorrect and make someone else feel like they jumped too fast into conclusion but sometimes its accurate to judge a situation immediately it happens but in my case the judgement might be a little off.
I know that its a good idea that I focus on the good parts of me, the parts that people close to me see and even admire but in some situations, acknowledging the not so good parts of me helps me know when not to get myself into certain situations or to remove myself from certain situations. Its easy to get carried away when I focus so much on the good parts and trying to convince myself that instead of working on myself, I just have to shine more light on the good parts. Flashing the lights might work in my interactions with people but it doesn't mean that I need to be in some situations that I may be trying to squeeze myself into because the hard pill to swallow is that those good parts are not necessarily needed in every situation.
Its unfortunate that sometimes i find it difficult to identify clearly the things I shouldn't want and when I try to make my pros and cons list, I can't always say that I do justice to the list. My motivation is not always in the right place which can sometimes mean that I can list the pros as cons and cons as pros just to make sure everything fits into the narrow mindset that I am working with in that instance. There is something I should want though and that is Balance. It can get tricky finding the balance in certain scenarios. The line that indicates balance is often faint or blurry and it takes a certain level of assertion to know when I get to the mark and try not to cross over to the side that isn't needed.
In all honestly, I can't even blame curiosity for this, curiosity would seem like an easy excuse, an excuse that cannot completely explain why I feel the need to satisfy the half of my heart that wants what it shouldn't want than the half that is trying to protect me from what I don't want by making me realize that I truly do not want this. And now I have to question why the desire burns brighter for the irrational, dare I say negative part. The part that isn't all that it should be but somehow I make up excuses, swapping the cons for the pros hoping that the inevitable unpleasant end will turn pleasant or even if it the end still remains unpleasant, it can be somewhat bearable because I heard someone say "don't live life and regret the things you never got to do".
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but has anyone considered the parts of you that breaks away while you're going through what didn't kill you? Some days I feel like the percentage of my empathy and reaction to terrible things reduces like the battery of a phone that the backlight never goes off. When I hear terrible things happen, I try to find myself feeling the same level of empathy I felt before I started going through things that didn't kill me. I try to sit on the fence so I don't have to explain why I don't have so much empathy. I desire to feel something deeply empathetic but its just not always there and then what I eventually feel isn't something I wish to or not to the extent I want and I can't seem to do anything about it no matter how hard I try. Some days it feels like my reactions to things take their sweet time to manifest which is often why I'm scared someone judging me based on an immediate reaction because I know that there's every chance for the judgement to be incorrect and make someone else feel like they jumped too fast into conclusion but sometimes its accurate to judge a situation immediately it happens but in my case the judgement might be a little off.
I know that its a good idea that I focus on the good parts of me, the parts that people close to me see and even admire but in some situations, acknowledging the not so good parts of me helps me know when not to get myself into certain situations or to remove myself from certain situations. Its easy to get carried away when I focus so much on the good parts and trying to convince myself that instead of working on myself, I just have to shine more light on the good parts. Flashing the lights might work in my interactions with people but it doesn't mean that I need to be in some situations that I may be trying to squeeze myself into because the hard pill to swallow is that those good parts are not necessarily needed in every situation.
Its unfortunate that sometimes i find it difficult to identify clearly the things I shouldn't want and when I try to make my pros and cons list, I can't always say that I do justice to the list. My motivation is not always in the right place which can sometimes mean that I can list the pros as cons and cons as pros just to make sure everything fits into the narrow mindset that I am working with in that instance. There is something I should want though and that is Balance. It can get tricky finding the balance in certain scenarios. The line that indicates balance is often faint or blurry and it takes a certain level of assertion to know when I get to the mark and try not to cross over to the side that isn't needed.
