Hi, I'm Sam,
A book starts with an alphabet or a character, drops of water make an ocean, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a step. These are the few ways I try to remind myself to take is easy on myself that the life I live everyday is made of building blocks of experiences. These experiences have not only been bad or good because I try to have a solid stand on life, I've had to go through the different types, shapes and duration of those experiences. I can trace certain things in the present to things that have happened in the past and things I've had to either learn or unlearn at some point in my little, boring life.
Despite the number of times I've heard the phrase "its well" , it still somehow holds so much weight to me that it feels as new and weighty as it did the first time I heard it. And the irony that I often use it when things aren't going well or about to scatter into several pieces makes me chuckle most times. I've had to use the phrase as a glue to hold situations together in my mind, to stop myself from spiraling downwards. I don't consider them magic words but because of how important it is to me, I've learnt to attach so much to it and it has worked for me all the times I've used it to somehow handle crushing disappointments and feeling of powerlessness I feel when things are not going as they should. The feeling is the same whether things are falling apart from what I am doing or when someone is helping me do something, but there's little more desperate feeling attached to the later, because in a split second I wonder if the person is doing that thing with enough passion that I would've used to do that same thing for myself. But the kind me will remind myself that for the person to simply attempt to do something just for my sake, whether or not it works is something I have to give my utmost appreciation to.
Fortunately for me, I express zero shame when I feel defeated, especially when everything was outside my control and I know deep down that I have done everything I possibly could've done from my stand point. If anything, I feel relieved to express defeat but only when asked because when I accept a brief defeat, I can take a minute to sit and not have to strategize, weigh pros and cons or wonder if anything will work as I want. Immediately the pity minute is up, I will get back to strategizing and moving forward with an adjusted plan or a completely new plan. I will not lie or try to make up excuses to make it palatable to anyone listening. I will say it as it is, with information I feel it's necessary for someone else to have because no matter how I decide to narrate the situation, people will always choose to understand or interpret it how they want and I've realized that being honest and vocal about defeat actually throws people off a little bit because in most cases that's not what they're expecting. They're hoping I'd lie or try to pad up the situation to not feel like a defeat to me or them but when I speak from plain honesty, their rehearsed respond will not feel right in that moment.
For me, saying it's well when in fact things are not exactly well is not lying to myself or trying to make the situation seem like what it isn't, it's simply a way for me to trick my mind to start thinking from a different pov than the defeated angle. My ideas are better when I think from the angle other than everyone is against me and nothing seems to work in my favour. Because when things are not going as I expect, it's a slippery slope to easily forget the many scenarios where things worked out exactly as I imagined them. The few times things don't go as planned is enough to make me begin to think that everyone is out to get me, to question why and what didn't go as planned and what I could've done differently, when I've fallen down that slope, I find it very difficult to get out it. Sometimes some situations does not require us to do anything but wait and let time pass. When the trick works and my thinking pov is coming from a better angle, I realize the bright side in the alternatives that I wouldn't have noticed because I was wallowing in self pity and popping bottle inside my pity party.
Despite the number of times I've heard the phrase "its well" , it still somehow holds so much weight to me that it feels as new and weighty as it did the first time I heard it. And the irony that I often use it when things aren't going well or about to scatter into several pieces makes me chuckle most times. I've had to use the phrase as a glue to hold situations together in my mind, to stop myself from spiraling downwards. I don't consider them magic words but because of how important it is to me, I've learnt to attach so much to it and it has worked for me all the times I've used it to somehow handle crushing disappointments and feeling of powerlessness I feel when things are not going as they should. The feeling is the same whether things are falling apart from what I am doing or when someone is helping me do something, but there's little more desperate feeling attached to the later, because in a split second I wonder if the person is doing that thing with enough passion that I would've used to do that same thing for myself. But the kind me will remind myself that for the person to simply attempt to do something just for my sake, whether or not it works is something I have to give my utmost appreciation to.
Fortunately for me, I express zero shame when I feel defeated, especially when everything was outside my control and I know deep down that I have done everything I possibly could've done from my stand point. If anything, I feel relieved to express defeat but only when asked because when I accept a brief defeat, I can take a minute to sit and not have to strategize, weigh pros and cons or wonder if anything will work as I want. Immediately the pity minute is up, I will get back to strategizing and moving forward with an adjusted plan or a completely new plan. I will not lie or try to make up excuses to make it palatable to anyone listening. I will say it as it is, with information I feel it's necessary for someone else to have because no matter how I decide to narrate the situation, people will always choose to understand or interpret it how they want and I've realized that being honest and vocal about defeat actually throws people off a little bit because in most cases that's not what they're expecting. They're hoping I'd lie or try to pad up the situation to not feel like a defeat to me or them but when I speak from plain honesty, their rehearsed respond will not feel right in that moment.
For me, saying it's well when in fact things are not exactly well is not lying to myself or trying to make the situation seem like what it isn't, it's simply a way for me to trick my mind to start thinking from a different pov than the defeated angle. My ideas are better when I think from the angle other than everyone is against me and nothing seems to work in my favour. Because when things are not going as I expect, it's a slippery slope to easily forget the many scenarios where things worked out exactly as I imagined them. The few times things don't go as planned is enough to make me begin to think that everyone is out to get me, to question why and what didn't go as planned and what I could've done differently, when I've fallen down that slope, I find it very difficult to get out it. Sometimes some situations does not require us to do anything but wait and let time pass. When the trick works and my thinking pov is coming from a better angle, I realize the bright side in the alternatives that I wouldn't have noticed because I was wallowing in self pity and popping bottle inside my pity party.
