Hi, I'm Sam,
Don't get it twisted that love is a beautiful thing. Some feelings are better felt and expressed than described. As complete as the English dictionary might seem, it is possible to lack words to describe some feelings at the initial stage but as some point down the line I begin to use scenarios and examples to describe certain emotions and to me that is way better than using one word which has its meaning etched in the pages of a dictionary.
The biggest trick my mind has consistently played on me is to make me questions every love gesture I receive. I mean it does make sense to question certain gestures and audit it irrespective of who it's coming from but my mind questions the legit and illegitimate ones and then goes a step further to take actions that will jeopardize the legit gestures from legit avenues. At some point the feeling of being unworthy of certain expressions becomes the least of my problems because i find myself constantly fighting the urge to do something that will ruin what is going on fine. The annoying part in the whole thing is that the one time I become a creative will be to create multiple scenarios about what and what to do to scatter what seems to be moving along very well. Times before, what I'd always do was to question myself and why I should be receiving what I am receiving. That was the period I dealt with the intense feeling of Unworthiness. I would do a great job at convincing myself that there was more to be gained by the other person because why would you waste your time and energy on someone who didn't feel good enough for himself and because I feel this way, the thought of the other person is not coming to mind and as such I am not thinking of how to either pay forward the love I am getting or reciprocate it.
I am happy that even after it seemed like I graduated from feeling unworthy to doing something to ruin what shouldn't be ruined, I didn't last so long in that next stage, so I didn't get the chances to ruin a lot of things and the things I managed to ruin were ultimately fixed. Now I know better when I start to feel the zeal to do what doesn't make sense in the moment or moments ahead, I take a beat and find a better alternative. Practicing this earlier made me feel like I wasn't being genuine, like I was straying away from who I was and what I wanted to really do but I did question myself as to why do I have to feel like causing chaos or pain to be my genuine self. I had to get used to taking the alternative and positive route to keep things going smoothly. This is becoming a better part of me and I am still trying to get used to. When I ruin things, I've never had to be accountable to anyone because really everyone moves in their own direction and coming to me to ask for reasons or accountability seemed like something impossible for me to give and impossible for the other person to get. The feeling of unaccountability was what felt like the reward of going the impulsive route of spoiling things. Meant that I didn't have to say much if anything to anyone which almost felt like a multiple personality situation because it was as though I was a different at the beginning and when everything got and began to feel real, I had to ditch the ride.
I am genuinely loved by every single person in my life at the moment. This is not something I say to prophesy positivity in my life, this is my actual reality. It hit me the other day like a ton of brick and I couldn't move as I let the emotion rush all over my body. I realized in that moment that I couldn't come up with a single excuse as to why the people in my life stuck around. I'm referring to family that have been there all and most of my life and friends I've made along the way that now feels in a mutual way an arrangement of a lifetime. Most of these people have been there for the multiple personality which tries to ruin everything but for some spine chilling reason are still here cheering me on, pulling and pushing me up when I need it and ultimately allowing me to return the favor in ways natural and most real to me.
I've never known how I wanted to be loved. I've never allowed myself to think towards that direction. I was getting love from family and as much as I loved that, a part of me still felt like they were doing their duties as family members and as such I didn't feel like giving them all the credit and appreciation they deserved. When I got older and got a clearer realization, it became clear that as much as they're family, family can still walk away and let you be. The good thing which I think came out of my ignorance about how to be loved was that as much as I was a tough nut to love, my ignorance gave people the freedom to love me in the way that felt real to them and I never had any expectations. The times my head was correct, I accepted the love I was getting and the times my head wasn't correct had nothing to do with with depth of love i was getting but as a result of my personal issues.
It does feel great to love and be loved back and it feels even better now that I can focus all my interests to nuture the love I get from various angles. The feeling to ruin the love comes and goes but I am able to get off it and focus on what really matter. Some days I want to share my crazy about how I want to ruin things and some days I realize that it could also be my way of starting up the process of causing chaos and i have learnt how to either keep it to myself and work it out or discuss it in a way that makes me feel lighter after such emotionally heavy discussion.
