THE IP MAG

Hi, I'm Sam ,  I think at some point in my teenage years, to be cool was my ultimate desire, nothing else really seemed so important to me because they came easily to me but being cool was something I really wanted but somehow struggled with it and didn't know how to be that or even attempt to. I never really had any good reason as to why I wanted to be cool, I just knew that was what I wanted and I needed to get it to experience some sense of accomplishment and feeling of belonging. I couldn't really define what cool was either to me or to someone else but I figured I could pick one person who I thought was undeniably cool and replicated whatever they were doing then somehow I could be considered cool in some ramification. I'm not sure if I ever got to be cool despite my efforts and all but I'm glad the need to be or considered cool left me as fast as it came and as intense as the feeling was, I didn't feel any regret or hurt when it didn't happ...

Hi, I'm Sam,  Sometimes I don't know if I should be happy or sad that I somehow suppress emotions and memories. It's good when there are things I do not wish to remember and I don't have to lie or fight so hard not to remember them but it's sad in the sense that I've not really experienced any deep trauma that would warrant memory suppression but somehow my mind seems to think that no matter how I wish to describe those things as little, it will do me a favor by making sure I do not remember them. While we're here, I might as well blame my inability to remember names or people's faces on my mind choosing to suppress things and make them difficult to be remembered without any concrete memory attached to it.  There are things that I do not remember and when I am forced to remember them in any way, I just wish those things will remain in the past. I do not want them to remain in the past because they're too painful in the past and in the pre...

Hi, I'm Sam,   I will only admit it this one time and never again because I know the story is about to change, I have always had a confusing anxiety towards designs. Any kind of design scares me because I feel it's too much power to have to create something from scratch from your mind and playing around with different tools and elements and decide every little detail about it to the extent that some playfully say, " every mistake in design is a style " which is true in a lot of cases. I've always blamed humility for not wanting to wield that power and people have naturally just expected me to be very good at designs so they either ask for my input in design tasks or just expect me to lead the conversation when it comes to designs. Whenever they come to me, I either give a half-assed response so they don't feel some type of way and also don't bother to come back to me or I send them to someone else because I already do not know what to contribut...

Hi, I'm Sam , They say there is no point crying over spilt milk. It is possible to take the sentence as face value but as a known overthinker, I've always had to dive deep into phrases like that. No matter our age bracket, after getting to the age of being on our own, our lives will be full of choices to make. Some choices birth unimaginable rewards while some come with their fair share of consequences which in turn lead to lessons learnt, but the annoying constant is finding yourself with options to choose from and not choosing any of the options is also making a choice which will probably come with its own consequences. Sometimes I feel like none of the available options will produce anything I think I desire in the moment but what I need and in that moment I just have to deal with the feeling of picking an option with a less terrible outcome.  Its very easy to identify bad judgement when you're not the one making it. When I listen to someone tell me about a s...

Hi, I'm Sam ,  A book starts with an alphabet or a character, drops of water make an ocean, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a step. These are the few ways I try to remind myself to take is easy on myself that the life I live everyday is made of building blocks of experiences. These experiences have not only been bad or good because I try to have a solid stand on life, I've had to go through the different types, shapes and duration of those experiences. I can trace certain things in the present to things that have happened in the past and things I've had to either learn or unlearn at some point in my little, boring life. Despite the number of times I've heard the phrase "its well" , it still somehow holds so much weight to me that it feels as new and weighty as it did the first time I heard it. And the irony that I often use it when things aren't going well or about to scatter into several pieces makes me chuckle most times. I've ...

Hi, I'm Sam,   One thing I will argue anytime and any day is that the more you do something, the better you get at it whether intentionally or not. Being present willingly or not and participating in doing something will make you better at that thing in no time that it almost becomes part of your muscle memory. When you've spent most of your formative childhood years moving yearly from one place to another, you won't have any other choice than being good at being the NEW KID and you will get so good at adapting to new environments that the anxiety you once had at being in a new environment and trying to make something out of it becomes anxious of you. I had to equip myself with some tricks that made me less upset about moving from one place when I was just starting to get the rhythm of the place. At the beginning,  adapting to a new environment, finding new routines and creating new normals was so daunting that whenever I find out that we have to move, i don...

Hi, I'm Sam ,  Its beginning to hit me that I will no longer be counted as part of the young ones in any gathering I find myself in lately  because I have gone up in age and this realization is making me question so many things I stood by growing up which I never thought would change and because I've never said those things out loud to the hearing of someone older than I am or even my mate, I've not received any advice with regards to them. The most common advice I get on a regular is that change is constant and I shouldn't be afraid to adapt to the changes. Change is quite easy to adapt to if it is somehow going the way you've planned it to be. You can just conclude that the change which you can see is just a manifestation of your desires and hard work. It can be hard to learn to accept changes even when it doesn't seem like its contained in my plans for growth, I've come to understand that things will always work out for my good even when I can...

Hi, I'm Sam,  One of my favorite things to do in this life is road tripping especially if I have to drive for the most part of the trip but as much as I love the idea and actually going on a road trip, I know the people to embark on such with and I also know the people that I don't mind using the last money in my account to book a flight for them in order to get the trip over with in no time. I love when someone is as excited about a road trip as much as I am, putting thoughts into playlist, snacks/ food, outfits, route. The excitement going to fill up the fuel tank because we know how long the journey is, making stops to buy things, relieve ourselves, buy things in traffic etc is a feeling I do not complain about at all. But unlike road trips, I've come to the point in life to experience the unavoidable, that there are indeed things in life that i will have to do and experience alone. And thinking about it, there are so many things in life we will have to do an...

Hi, I'm Sam,  I have always enjoyed doing things on my own and for myself because there's just something that the direct connection between myself and whatever that is does for my spirit. It easily brings things up to memory for me, that there's little to no need to always put things in place to serve as a reminder to remember something or someone. Having direct connection to something or people gives me a sense of individuality that requires no appreciation or loyalty to anything or anyone who isn't connected directly to what's at hand. When you introduce me to someone you know, maybe in a social setting, I begin to debate within me what side of me to showcase and how familiar should we get before and after we leave here? I often ask myself how necessary it is to include the mutual friend in our future connection, if any. Does excluding the mutual friend show any sign of betrayal or is it a way for me to form a genuine connection with an individual irr...

Hi, I'm Sam,  Against all my efforts and mental notes, the unwanted somehow creeps in to try to become familiar. I can try to give myself rational and mentally sound reasons why this should remain unwanted, I dig deep and even consult outside help but it becomes a terrible case of the heart wants what it wants . But I still question what part of my heart wants this when there's a part of my heart that just wants to run as fast as my legs can carry me to take me far away from something that half of my heart desires and the other part of my heart wants no part in. Some say follow your heart, but that advise is going to be very hard to follow in this case, a part is trying to be rational and another is trying to leap holding on to nothing but blind faith.  The idea of what could come out of this keeps me interested while I try my best to stay away from it. I want to make sure everything flows through the parameters I have set out and I never want to entertain the thou...

Hi, I'm Sam ,  There's only so much I can do to ensure that something goes a certain way or an event sticks to a drafted agenda. I like to think that I take my time to analyze my actions and draft how things should go, what should go first and what should come after and I've learnt over the years to try to be realistic.  I can dream big and have wonderland wishes but I still try to make everyday grind as realistic as it can be while accounting and acknowledging all that can go wrong. There's only few things I can control and as for the things that I cannot control, I try as much as I can to not let it control me by ruining my day or changing my mood to what I won't enjoy feeling. Some days I feel like acknowledging everything that might not go as planned is accepting defeat or wishing bad on something that is already well thought and planned out and some days I take it as the natural thing to do and have a response for it when it happens. How much time ...

Hi, I'm Sam ,  It is very possible to live life knowing that nobody thinks of me as much as I think about myself. I am living my life and as such I have to be more concerned about me than anyone else, with this realization, I am able to extend grace to others when I don't feel so much like a priority to them, because they are living their lives as well and they should be more concerned about themselves. Everyone is the main character in their story and have to have that main character energy one way or the other in some areas of their lives if not all. I light up whenever someone takes out time to reach out to me to find out how I am doing. Immediately I see the text or the call, I instantly forget the last time we spoke or was in contact with this person, what matters the most to me in that moment is not make the connection genuine and deep so much that with few sentences or seconds on the phone we are able to fill whatever gap we think was existing from the last t...

Hi, I'm Sam ,  I read somewhere that it takes at least 18 days for a human to form a habit. I've always seen myself as a creature of habit because I love to live a routine life, not that I don't mind occasionally stepping out of the norm and doing exciting things. As a self proclaimed creature of habit, I do not enjoy changing or creating new habits no matter the advantages I stand to gain from the new habit, I just want to stick to what I currently have and not put in the effort to change anything and have to start adjusting to the new routine and fine tuning these new habits. Sticking to the familiar has saved me from so much unnecessary headaches and it has also made me very predictable in any kind of relationship I find myself in. I feel like an open book and enjoy the fact that I don't have to say much before my actions are believed. Its very easy for people to know what I can do and what I cannot be caught dead doing. Some days I feel joy towards being...

Hi, I'm Sam ,  I drew the map of my life really early in life with zero understanding of what life really is. I had this eagerness to grow up so fast almost like i was desperate for it because I needed to start doing things contained in my map. While I was curious about doing these older things, I couldn't find the curiosity to map out my younger years, It didn't bother me what foundation the older me would build on, I didn’t bother to grasp how important the foundation was so I didn't care to map it out. Maybe I didn't feel my younger years were my responsibility as I was still under my parents and didn't have any choice but to do whatever they said so they should have the map, but thinking about it now, if I really thought they should have the map to how my teenage years should go,  why was I not curious enough to ask about it or desire to look at it because that should have some sort of influence on the map I was drawing up for my adult years. De...

Hi, I'm Sam ,  Its one thing to wield power and its another things to know that there's a kind of power you wield, its also one thing to know that there's some kind of power you wield and another thing to know how much of that power you wield and its pretty normal to not care about how much power you wield. I always like to remind myself that as little as I may be right now in the world, there's some sort of power I proudly wield and I am not interested in knowing how much of the power, I just want to always acknowledge that I have powers and one of those powers is the power to change my mind.  Coming from a place of not realizing that the power to change my mind is such a powerful power to have, I've allowed myself to be in such terrible and unpalatable situations because I wanted to play nice and not be tagged as " indecisive " and that is a tag I was very unwilling to have stuck on me, not because I was actually indecisive but don't want...

Hi, I'm Sam ,  I have this desire to ensure that the contents of my brain see the light and to do this I've had to think it through, argue with myself about what content should come first, or as I move on or should never see the light no matter how much I desire it and tried my best to weigh the pros and cons. Some days I am able to list more cons than pros and some days the pros win. As I have the desire to flash a light on the contents, I also desire to keep some of the contents to myself. My creative fears started from answering some questions that no one else but me is going to care for the answer, I tried to scrutinize myself and the contents of my brain so much that when someone else questions it, I will have the correct response or not let it sting as much. While trying to scrutinize, ask and answer questions myself, I often walk the path of self sabotage by focusing on things that make the contents unique but I flip those things to mean weakness and the ulti...

Hi, I'm Sam,   Isn't it ironic for someone who dreads the end of things, I love beginnings?, I have this unexplainable excitement for the beginning of things, like I have a clean slate and unhindered imaginations to write or draw as I wish. I feel like the principle of lines does not apply to my painting on this slate and my excitement cannot be contained in any way because somehow everything seems fair and everyone is automatically on the same playing level, but in reality that's not it, however, intrinsically, these feelings give me the right amount of push and encouragement to take on new beginnings, with nerves but not fear, with hope and expressive imagination.  I love Mondays, I've never been one to whine or complain about Mondays even when I had a not-so-great job, I still found a way to get ready every Monday morning with this excitement that I usually lack words to explain. The way I see it is that, if the previous week was bad, the next Monday is a...

Hi, I'm Sam,  I see a story teller whenever I look at myself in the mirror as much as I see it in others, we tell stories everyday we have the opportunity to live. I am the writer of my own story and I can change the story whenever I decide that it's time to write from a different angle. I've been writing stories with my life which means I've been writing as long as I've been alive but I still find it very unappealing writing an ending to any chapter especially when I do not have any desire to end anything going on in my life at a particular time. The reverse is always the case that when I want something to end, it takes so long to end that when it eventually ends I won't know it, it just hits me one day when I have completely done my best to remove myself from the story, and the things I wish could last for as long as I desire tend to slip through my fingers at the slightest mistakes. One of the important things with writing my stories with my life ...